Faith

It's paradoxical, isn't it? In order to have faith you must believe, but to believe you must have faith.

From the outside it can seem impossible, but from the inside it can be as easy as breathing. 

You're either in or you're out. It's not that simple though, and thankfully so. I think it is more of an attitude, a heart and mindset, a choice. Sure, it may seem impossible to have faith when you simply don't, but you choose to believe and the faith comes from that. It is much easier on the inside, where it is just maintaining that belief to upkeep the faith.

On a regular basis, usually when sharing my journey or beliefs, I have someone question me on my faith. What if things don't work out for you? What if you don't get married? What if something happens? How do you have faith in that? How could you believe that? I have my faith questioned on a regular basis, and it is not uncommon for someone to try and tell me my beliefs are wrong and that I should settle on believing something else. That simply isn't an option for me. I have made my choices, and I choose them again every day. I won't lie and say that it's always easy. Some days I feel so horribly far from faith, from peace, from joy, but it is on those days that it matters most what I do. There are these days when I feel empty and hopeless, I think we all have them, but there are also days when I feel as if I can do anything. On those days I am unconquerable, not because I am infallible, but because my heart cannot be defeated. If only I could truly explain to you what faith brings. It is something that cannot be done true justice through words alone. It must be experienced to understand the true splendour of it. Out of that faith is birthed both incredible joy and serenity.

My faith can stand strong and firm because it is rooted in God. I am not one to talk about my spiritual beliefs much outside of a church context unless someone brings it up, as I prefer to let my life speak for me instead of forcing my beliefs on another, but in this case I think I need to explain myself better. I can have extreme, unwavering faith in things because I believe in the all-powerful God. I anchor myself in Christ and let everything come out of that. It is because of God that I can be fearless in my faith, believing that no matter what happens I can trust in God and His word. Recently I was asked what I enjoy most about my faith, and the answer is simple: my relationship with God. If you share that with me in some way you know that there is nothing to compare it to. No one gets you, loves you, and provides for you like God does. Out of that flows such incredible things. As you place your faith in Him and put Him in the centre of your life you'll see how He blesses you innumerably and conquers all that could ever trouble you.

"We fight from victory, not for victory."

A phrase that has really stuck with me is this one I heard a while back. That is exactly it for me. I do not fight in pursuit of winning. In faith, with God, I have already won. It changes everything, when you look at something in faith, knowing that the battle has already been won. That is how I have faith, because my faith is in Christ. I can stand strong and believe when everything around me is telling me otherwise because I know that God's word is law and that He is king of all.

Over the past few years I have been on an incredible journey. Over the past few months I have been challenged, stretched, and blessed in ways I didn't think possible. I could not truly describe all I have experienced. It has been breath-taking. When you're on the inside it is almost difficult to not believe and have faith. I have had my socks blown off by God's goodness more than a few times. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I do not know where to even begin... Now that I have experienced His goodness like I have I cannot help but believe and have faith. He has been with me every step of the way, through thick and thin, and I trust Him with my very being. It is out of that that I have faith in the future, in what is to come. I have faith in His word, in His promises, and in His guidance.

When your heart is after Him everything else pales in comparison. Even huge mountains begin to look insignificant. That is not to say that there are not times when you struggle and pain, but with a heart after His own there is comfort and peace through it all. I personally struggle with seeing others struggle and letting things be. I am a fighter by nature, although I think that is changing to some degree as I get closer to Him, but I think that when you do something out of a heart for God it changes things. It makes you better, stronger, and wiser than you could ever be in your own capacity and interests.

I have faith. I believe that, because of Him, life is good. I believe that one day I will have the life I dream and pray for, just as He has already provided for me and blessed me.

I have faith.

Jem.

Back, With Love

Love, it is more powerful than I think we understand. Love is the great command of God, and I think that is for a very good reason. God knows what He's talking about after all. I think that love is more complex and intense than we generally give it credit for. Growing up I thought it just another feeling, albeit a strong one. Love is something so much more than that though, it cannot be so easily defined and restricted. The Greeks have four main words for love.

• Agape is a selfless, unconditional love.
• Philia is a platonic love between close friends.
• Storgy is a love for someone or something you are dependent on.
• Eros is a passionate, romantic love.

I think the Greeks understood that love is more than most people think it is. I have discovered that for myself over the last while. As I drew closer to God and felt His call to love all I began to understand more of love but it is only recently that I think I have even began to grasp at its true entirety. Love is not just a feeling or an action, it is more like a supernatural power. Love has such immense capability. It is not so easily caged as we would think. I do not think love is a mere feeling, action, or choice. Love is so strong that it transcends such boundaries. Full love, a love I think only God can understand and cause, is a thing that goes far beyond feelings and choices, it is a heavenly thing.

Love changes everything, its presence or absence can completely turn something around. I have heard and seen situations where love has saved things and brought things back from the brink of annihilation, and where the absence of love has caused things to decay and rot. A story I read recently actually shows this rather well. Brad Pit wrote about a time when his wife, Angelia Jolie, was falling apart. He said that she was losing drastic amounts of weight, not leaving the house, and otherwise not living life. He thought that he was going to lose his wife and his marriage, in all honestly he probably already had. He made a choice though, a choice that he said changed everything. He decided to love her, in a way that no one else had ever done before. He chose to bring her flowers, complement her, support and uplift her, and otherwise shower her in love and adoration. He said the change was so strong and powerful. Within weeks she was doing better than she ever had. Love changed everything. I have seen similar effects when I look back on things. I have seen people who have every reason to collapse grow and flourish simply because they are loved, and I have seen those who seemingly have everything crumble and fall apart without love.

I have begun to see and understand this truth about love because I have experienced it over the past few months. In a time when most of my world was crumbling around me God's love never changed. I was loved through it all, as though I was special and precious, and it made me stronger in ways I couldn't even begin to understand and explain. His love saved me, and in earnest it has already saved us all. During this time I was also challenged to love, to love without condition or reward, and it is life changing. It changed the very fundamentals of who I am, being loved like that. Trying to love like that is so challenging, and impossible to be perfect in, but so good and growing. Love is the answer. There is a reason God named love as the great command.

In the name of love.

Jem.

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength,

while loving someone deeply gives you courage."

Lao Tzu

Wilderness

I find myself broken and wondering of late. I can feel that there are pieces of me missing and flawed, taken and damaged. I stay up at night trying to find some sliver of peace and happiness in the desert I find myself in. I find my mind running in a dozen different directions, passing from thought to thought faster than I can keep up. I am broken and shattered, how do I go on?

The question is an internal one, a battle with myself and God. How do I survive, how do I live, when the world seems to be pressing down on me and everything is falling apart? It has been five years since I came out of a very dark place, accepting Jesus Christ as my saviour and giving my life to Him as a living sacrifice. Yet, with The Spirit within me and God at my back, I find myself in a deeper darkness than I thought imaginable. Did I do something wrong? Did I mess up so greatly? It feels as if I am being punished, as if all I hold dear is being ripped from me. We see Abraham's faith being tested by God when he is called to sacrifice his son that he treasures. Maybe that is what this is, maybe God is challenging my faith and making sure that I put Him first above all else. If so I have either failed severely or He is testing me to my very limits, stretching them as He goes.

I cannot help but dwell on the empty feeling inside of me though. I have lost several, dear pieces of myself and I do not know how to act normal when I am crumbling inside. I cannot do it anymore. I foresaw that I would hit a low, but I underestimated the severity of the brokenness. I feel as if there is nothing to live for anymore, yet I know that is so far from the truth. I have so many beautiful blessing to be thankful for and to live for. My head and heart are constantly battling between what I want and feel and what I know and believe.

It is good to get a change of perspective though, to see the world in such a different light. I have a big, incredible family to be grateful for. I have beautiful sisters that I have been dearly blessed with. I have close friends who will walk through the valleys with me. I have a God that protects and empowers me. But for all that is there I cannot help but see the pieces that are missing in my heart. Torn, so unceremoniously from my life, I do not know how to live without what was taken. How do you live without what completes you and makes you happy? How do I continue on when I no longer have that which made me who I am?

The answer is a simple, yet difficult, one: I shall thrive in the darkness as I draw on God and look at the beauty of the world He has created, trusting in Him to lead the way and fill me with His perfect Spirit. It is a solution I see but do not fully understand how to reach. I have been crying out for release and guidance, wrestling with God, yet I still feel so lost and broken at times. But I trust Him, I trust His guidance.

I think it is time I go off grid and come to grips with what is going on in my life. I need to find Him in this or I will wonder forever. I need to get my head right before I can live the life He has called me to.

To those few who have been there for me during this time: Thank you, you have kept me from completely falling apart, it means a lot to me.

I love you always.

Jem.

P.S. Some of this was inspired by a great man, Jefferson Bethke, and a video he made. If you would like to see it you can find it here, it may do you some good if you are struggling.

Being Lost

There are defining moments in life that change the course of our lives forever. It is in these moments, as our lives come down to a big decision or an incident, that so much hangs in the balance. It is in these moments that our lives can be changed drastically, our futures rewritten.

I can think of two such moments in my life: the first when I moved to Cape Town and the second when I a become a born-again Christian and chose to live my life for God. I can put them into a calm sentence but both were very turbulent times in my life, when it felt as if the floor was falling out underneath me at times. I think that these moments hold such power in our lives, when we are at our lowest and allow God to build us up in a better way. Sometimes you actually just need to start again. You can move cities fairly easily, start going to church pretty simply, but the raw frenzy going on inside you is something else entirely. In order to change who you are you need to lose, or in some cases destroy, who you were. You may disagree with me, that's perfectly okay. I am still a teenager, though just, and there is every possibility that I am wrong. Seldom are times of big change simple and easy though.

It is in one of these moments that I find myself now. I thought I felt it earlier in the year but it didn't quite happen, everything sort of settled for a while. As the whirlwinds race around me now I see that I am here again, at a stormy crossroads in life, a position to have so much change and grow. This morning I was thinking about how much I grew the last time this happened, how I properly joined the church and devoted myself to Christ. I do not know what is in store for me but as I see the storms around me I know that there is great potential here. There may be more pain and sadness than I know how to deal with at times but I am ecstatic with where this could be taking me. It is not easy to navigate rapids but it is a rush, and the afterwards it was worth every second of it.

I would like to take this time to apologise to everyone I have hurt or wronged during this time, you know who you are. This year has been a very difficult and crazy time for me and I have not treated many people as I ought to have. I know it doesn't excuse what I did but I would like you to understand the situation and know that it was not intentional to hurt or wrong you, I am sorry where I have done so. I am not out of this yet either though, so please bare with me as I struggle and grow through this. If I continue to offend you or hurt you please just stay away from me, I do not see what I do all the time and I do in unintentional.


I wrote the first part of the blog a few weeks ago, unsure of how to complete it and if I should post it. The point of these ramblings are mainly to help clear my mind and focus my thoughts. I, therefor, will not delete any of what I have said. I will, however, add some more information to update those of you who have an interest in my life.

Over the course of the last month a lot has transpired. To put it bluntly, as I have no interest in making things look pretty at the moment, I have lost my job, been removed from leading the youth ministry, and have had someone I care very dearly for taken from my life. I make it sound worse than it really is when I say it like that, or maybe I don't, but it is what it is. I have considered long and hard whether I should publish this on a blog or whether it would be best to just say nothing, but it is the truth and I have nothing to hide. These are my ramblings after all, my thoughts and feelings. I would not go as far as to say anyone has wronged me, please don't take that from this, I am just expressing my situation at the moment.

As for my plans for rest of the year, I will be spending the next two months taking a break from life and connecting with God as to what He wants from me going forward. This is most certainly a phoenix moment in my life, for if I do not rise from the ashes I do not think I will rise at all. With almost all of my commitments in life falling away in a matter of days I now have an opportunity that many in life wish for: a chance to remake myself, and my life. A second chance of sorts.

What would you do if you could achieve anything you set your mind to? What would you spend your hours doing if you did not need to fear the unknown? What captures your heart and soul? I think I know what I want from my life, how to get there is quite another story entirely. Life is a journey after all, not just a destination.

Please take these words with a bit more perspective than usual. My thoughts have been running wild and I have not restricted them very much, it would defeat the purpose of my blogging. Although I have lost so much recently and I am such a state of turmoil, I have so much to be grateful for and excited about.

I will fight for this, my future, with every breath I have in me.

Jem.

"The future belongs to those who prepare for it today."

Malcolm X

Hopes and Dreams

When we are children we often have such incredible dreams for our lives. Ask a six year old what they want to be when they grow up and you are likely to get an answer like astronaut or princess. Ask a child a few years later and you will probably start getting answers like artist and doctor. But a few years after that...

"Children are wonderfully confident in their own imaginations.
Most of us lose this confidence as we grow up."

Sir Ken Robinson

For too many of us we lose sight of our dreams as we grow older, as the reality of life sets in we lose our magic. As someone who has recently stepped out into the world after high school I know that the pressures of life are tough, you need to start providing for yourself and for your future family. I myself cannot wait to have a family of my own, but at what cost? We seem to think that we need to give up what excites and interests us in order to live a safe life. But life isn't safe. You can hide behind your nine to five job and your high brick wall but life is out there, and it will get to you.

I have watched divorces unfold before me, cancer rip loved ones from me, and depression claim lives of those very close to me. Yes, life is rough, but hiding behind your walls, trying to play it safe, won't do you any good. You'll just be limiting the greatness of your life to try and avoid a valley or two. Don't let fear take away the joy of life; it's never too late to follow your dreams.

"It doesn't matter where you are, you are nowhere compared to where you can go."

Bob Proctor

There are so many great things life has to offer, if you only know how to look for it there is so much beauty in the world. We encounter movies and books that have great stories and tales yet we are too scared of the cost, we are ruled by fear. As someone who has recently let go of the fear of living a safe life let me tell you it is something else entirely to live a fearless life. Waking up in the morning knowing that the day holds endless possibilities and blessings, finding the good in life and living it without restraint, knowing that life can throw whatever it will at you and there is still so much to live for and be excited about, it is a divine feeling that I cannot imagine leaving behind now that I have experienced it.

"If you listen to your fears, you will die never knowing
 what a great person you might have been."

Robert Schuller

I cannot capture, in words, the feeling of pure joy you feel when you completely let go of the fear that is holding you back, even if it's subconsciously, but it is something you need to experience yourself. The feeling is complete freedom and joy, smiling like a fool because there is just so much to live for and be excited about and it's all at your fingertips if you'll just reach for it.

So don't give up on your hopes and dreams, with God helping you there is very little that you cannot do. Let us become generations that change the world, that shift the distorted paradigm of society. It starts with you and me. I have been living a life completely with God, working towards me hopes and dreams, and it just gets more magical every day. So go out there, let go of your fear, and live the life you've always wanted to.

Jem.

"Learn to enjoy every minute of your life. Be happy now. 
Don't wait for something outside of yourself to make you happy in the future."

Earl Nightingale

"Never give up on a dream just because of the time it will take to accomplish it.
The time will pass away."
Earl Nightingale