What If

What if. Such incredibly powerful words, words that I have been saying to myself a lot of late. When we ask ourselves what if we find ourselves looking away from the present, towards either the past or the future. Over the past months I have allowed myself to ask those dangerous, damaging what if questions. We all have them, you know the ones I am talking about. For me it is what if I am not enough, what if I should have done it differently, what if I never have a family and a home. For each of us the fears and doubt can cripple us in ways nothing else can. What if I don't have a life worth living? What if my hopes and dreams never come true? These questions have been plaguing my mind, disabling my future before it is even given a chance.

A few weeks ago I was out of town for some family business. While I was away, surrounded by family, I found us all asking similar things. What if. Sparked my a conversation I had with my father, and fuelled by a discussion I had with some of my cousins, I started asking completely different what if questions. What if I could do anything I set my mind to? What if money never stopped me from doing something? What if things could be different? The beauty it that they can be different, in fact as a given in life change guarantees things will be different. What if things could be better?

I came back home with this burning question embedded within my heart. What if, instead of fearing what could be, things changed for the better. Over the past few weeks since I've been back it is something I have been considering almost constantly. It has caused me to question so much. What if there was no need for me to do the things I do, would I do them anyway? When you don't need to show respect or clean up after yourself does that mean you shouldn't? And the answer struck me while I was brushing my teeth one morning.

I do the things I do, 

not because they need to be done,

but because they are right.

It changed my outlook on a lot of things I did, and a lot of things I didn't do. If money were not an issue, if I was already successful, I had all I wanted, would I even get out of bed? I think that some of us would't. I think that some of us are so wrapped up in our own world that we fail to see the world out there, the world all around us. The things I desire are not things that are simply achieved and then put on a shelf. I do not want to get my trophy, have my life, and then build walls to the rest of the world. I want to experience and live life. Sure, there are things I'd like to achieve. For me a very important thing I want is a family of my own, one day to have my own wife and kids. Few things compare to that for me. But that is never just it, it's the process of living life (of learning and growing) that it precious. 

Some dreams are so overwhelming

they cannot merely be achieved,

they must be continuously pursued.

While I was brushing my teeth I realised that I do what I do, not because it needs to be done, but because it is who I want to be. I want to be a man of God. I want to be a man of class, a man of manners. I want to be a father and a husband. I want help others. The man I want to be one day is not something I can achieve and then be done, it is something I will have to work at every waking moment. 

There are two very big things that I have been letting hold me back for a while now, and I plan to change that. One New Year I heard a sermon that inspired me in an incredible way. The title was 'What If...'. What if this year was your best year yet? What if this year you did more than you could ever imagine. What if this year you conquered life? That is what I am looking at now, in two practical areas that I have held myself back in for far too long. For too long I have allowed money and pessimism restrict my life. It's far easier to say I don't have the money for that, or I couldn't do that, instead of making a way.

There is always a way,

if not in you then in God.

What if you took control of your own life?

What if you lived life to the full?

What if you wrote your own future?

It can be done.

Jem. 

To The Beyond

The last time I wrote of death I had just miraculously survived a car crash that should have claimed my life. It changed my life, kept me up at night as I reevaluated my paradigms. A year ago my life was spared, some would say for a purpose. A few months after my life was spared a close friend of mine died in a plane crash. It rocked me to my very core. I will never forget standing at his funeral, feeling intense amounts of pain and anger. The would was surreal for me at that point, I could not distinguish reality from my nightmares, my pain. I had been saved, while he had died. I lost a friend, a mentee, a little brother. Life lost its colour for me for a while after that. Life goes on though, and within weeks people were acting like nothing had happened. In the haze of the funeral I remember very clearly a moment I shared with one of my most dear friends. I tend to put on a brave face most of the time, doing what needs to be done, smiling and comforting those who needed it. Yet as she approached me, with tears pouring down her face and her heart in pieces, I wept with her. We simply embraced one another and wept, a connection taking place far deeper than words as we felt the loss of my brother.

Life was never the same after that. I suffered and wrestled with life for some time, eventually managing to live life without him. His death, coupled with my near-death experience, changed a lot in my life. It lead me to challenge a lot of preconceptions and outlooks as I tried to accept and understand all that had happened. Twelve months later and I still think of him, because he was a part of me and his absence changes things. It gives me determination and purpose as I chose to live my life fully, and do the best with the opportunity I have been given (and he was not). I am studying diligently, serving devoutly, and living fully. 

Life has thrown many challenges and hurdles at me over the past year. Those closest to me have watched me change immensely as I have been put through fire. In the last few months I have experienced more than I thought possible. I have suffered difficulties and enjoyed blessings. In all honesty though, pain and suffering has become a constant companion of mine. I have had my whole life changed, and continue to shift. Even at the absolute best of times I have not been far from suffering. It has caused me to grow and adapt in way I never imagined. It is something I have come to see as less of a curse, and more of an odd blessing. It pushes you to improve and grow stronger. 

“Suffering isn’t an obstacle to being used by God. It is an opportunity to be used like never before.” 

Levi Lusko

But I digress. The reason I am writing this post is because I have just lost someone very close to my heart. Many of us, sadly, not not have a large, loving family. I am blessed with a truly incredible family. As a family man there are few things to rival the importance of family for me (in which I do include some of my closest friends). The matriarch of our Mundell family passed away today. My gran has been instrumental in the growth and development of my family, both collectively and individually. Two weeks ago I was called to say that I needed to come and say goodbye to her. Today I said my last goodbye. There will be no more late night chats about life, no more lunch adventures, no more borderline-perfect dinners by the fire. She is gone, and there is a whole in all our lives. Over this past week I have been brought to my knees as we have struggled with the departure of this great woman, one of the kindest people I've ever met. As we all gathered together to say goodbye I saw the horrific struggle of my family, losing one who is as sweet as the sunrise.

It is true, she had lived her life. For that I am beyond grateful. As she confronted death she did it knowing that she did all she could, eventually finding peace in meeting her maker. Her death is almost opposite to my friend's death, yet it hits me with the force of an avalanche. Even in her parting I saw the gap being torn in the lives of my beloved family, tearing a gap in the make-up of my heart. As I sat on the hospital floor, hearing her struggling to breath, I felt like the world was fading past. I didn't even feel anymore pain or suffering than I have been living with of late. The psyche can only take so much. The floor could not fall out from underneath me because it already has, and I am merely trying to float on at this point. It gets to a point where more suffering simply means less sleep. 

I have so many great memories and experiences of her. She truly lived a wonderful life. She was a beauty with none to compare. Was. I would ask how I could possibly continue living life with this loss, but already know the answer from experience. You focus on the now and live for tomorrow, drawing wisdom and strength from the past. It seems easy enough when put into words, but put into action it will be a difficult endeavour. Yet there is always someway to grow, someway to learn and improve. 

They never truly leave us; they live within us.

In the midst of this pain there has been a wonderful opportunity. I cannot go into much detail at the moment, and it may pass as nothing, but it is very possible that my family has been incredibly blessed. Things will unfold more in the months to come, if they unfold at all, but I feel it in the air that there is change within the family. By this time next year everything could be different for us. In the wise words of my great uncle: "There is always hope." 

“Hope is to our survival, what oxygen is to the lungs.” 

Levi Lusko

I have hope.

Jem.

Faith

It's paradoxical, isn't it? In order to have faith you must believe, but to believe you must have faith.

From the outside it can seem impossible, but from the inside it can be as easy as breathing. 

You're either in or you're out. It's not that simple though, and thankfully so. I think it is more of an attitude, a heart and mindset, a choice. Sure, it may seem impossible to have faith when you simply don't, but you choose to believe and the faith comes from that. It is much easier on the inside, where it is just maintaining that belief to upkeep the faith.

On a regular basis, usually when sharing my journey or beliefs, I have someone question me on my faith. What if things don't work out for you? What if you don't get married? What if something happens? How do you have faith in that? How could you believe that? I have my faith questioned on a regular basis, and it is not uncommon for someone to try and tell me my beliefs are wrong and that I should settle on believing something else. That simply isn't an option for me. I have made my choices, and I choose them again every day. I won't lie and say that it's always easy. Some days I feel so horribly far from faith, from peace, from joy, but it is on those days that it matters most what I do. There are these days when I feel empty and hopeless, I think we all have them, but there are also days when I feel as if I can do anything. On those days I am unconquerable, not because I am infallible, but because my heart cannot be defeated. If only I could truly explain to you what faith brings. It is something that cannot be done true justice through words alone. It must be experienced to understand the true splendour of it. Out of that faith is birthed both incredible joy and serenity.

My faith can stand strong and firm because it is rooted in God. I am not one to talk about my spiritual beliefs much outside of a church context unless someone brings it up, as I prefer to let my life speak for me instead of forcing my beliefs on another, but in this case I think I need to explain myself better. I can have extreme, unwavering faith in things because I believe in the all-powerful God. I anchor myself in Christ and let everything come out of that. It is because of God that I can be fearless in my faith, believing that no matter what happens I can trust in God and His word. Recently I was asked what I enjoy most about my faith, and the answer is simple: my relationship with God. If you share that with me in some way you know that there is nothing to compare it to. No one gets you, loves you, and provides for you like God does. Out of that flows such incredible things. As you place your faith in Him and put Him in the centre of your life you'll see how He blesses you innumerably and conquers all that could ever trouble you.

"We fight from victory, not for victory."

A phrase that has really stuck with me is this one I heard a while back. That is exactly it for me. I do not fight in pursuit of winning. In faith, with God, I have already won. It changes everything, when you look at something in faith, knowing that the battle has already been won. That is how I have faith, because my faith is in Christ. I can stand strong and believe when everything around me is telling me otherwise because I know that God's word is law and that He is king of all.

Over the past few years I have been on an incredible journey. Over the past few months I have been challenged, stretched, and blessed in ways I didn't think possible. I could not truly describe all I have experienced. It has been breath-taking. When you're on the inside it is almost difficult to not believe and have faith. I have had my socks blown off by God's goodness more than a few times. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I do not know where to even begin... Now that I have experienced His goodness like I have I cannot help but believe and have faith. He has been with me every step of the way, through thick and thin, and I trust Him with my very being. It is out of that that I have faith in the future, in what is to come. I have faith in His word, in His promises, and in His guidance.

When your heart is after Him everything else pales in comparison. Even huge mountains begin to look insignificant. That is not to say that there are not times when you struggle and pain, but with a heart after His own there is comfort and peace through it all. I personally struggle with seeing others struggle and letting things be. I am a fighter by nature, although I think that is changing to some degree as I get closer to Him, but I think that when you do something out of a heart for God it changes things. It makes you better, stronger, and wiser than you could ever be in your own capacity and interests.

I have faith. I believe that, because of Him, life is good. I believe that one day I will have the life I dream and pray for, just as He has already provided for me and blessed me.

I have faith.

Jem.

Back, With Love

Love, it is more powerful than I think we understand. Love is the great command of God, and I think that is for a very good reason. God knows what He's talking about after all. I think that love is more complex and intense than we generally give it credit for. Growing up I thought it just another feeling, albeit a strong one. Love is something so much more than that though, it cannot be so easily defined and restricted. The Greeks have four main words for love.

• Agape is a selfless, unconditional love.
• Philia is a platonic love between close friends.
• Storgy is a love for someone or something you are dependent on.
• Eros is a passionate, romantic love.

I think the Greeks understood that love is more than most people think it is. I have discovered that for myself over the last while. As I drew closer to God and felt His call to love all I began to understand more of love but it is only recently that I think I have even began to grasp at its true entirety. Love is not just a feeling or an action, it is more like a supernatural power. Love has such immense capability. It is not so easily caged as we would think. I do not think love is a mere feeling, action, or choice. Love is so strong that it transcends such boundaries. Full love, a love I think only God can understand and cause, is a thing that goes far beyond feelings and choices, it is a heavenly thing.

Love changes everything, its presence or absence can completely turn something around. I have heard and seen situations where love has saved things and brought things back from the brink of annihilation, and where the absence of love has caused things to decay and rot. A story I read recently actually shows this rather well. Brad Pit wrote about a time when his wife, Angelia Jolie, was falling apart. He said that she was losing drastic amounts of weight, not leaving the house, and otherwise not living life. He thought that he was going to lose his wife and his marriage, in all honestly he probably already had. He made a choice though, a choice that he said changed everything. He decided to love her, in a way that no one else had ever done before. He chose to bring her flowers, complement her, support and uplift her, and otherwise shower her in love and adoration. He said the change was so strong and powerful. Within weeks she was doing better than she ever had. Love changed everything. I have seen similar effects when I look back on things. I have seen people who have every reason to collapse grow and flourish simply because they are loved, and I have seen those who seemingly have everything crumble and fall apart without love.

I have begun to see and understand this truth about love because I have experienced it over the past few months. In a time when most of my world was crumbling around me God's love never changed. I was loved through it all, as though I was special and precious, and it made me stronger in ways I couldn't even begin to understand and explain. His love saved me, and in earnest it has already saved us all. During this time I was also challenged to love, to love without condition or reward, and it is life changing. It changed the very fundamentals of who I am, being loved like that. Trying to love like that is so challenging, and impossible to be perfect in, but so good and growing. Love is the answer. There is a reason God named love as the great command.

In the name of love.

Jem.

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength,

while loving someone deeply gives you courage."

Lao Tzu

Wilderness

I find myself broken and wondering of late. I can feel that there are pieces of me missing and flawed, taken and damaged. I stay up at night trying to find some sliver of peace and happiness in the desert I find myself in. I find my mind running in a dozen different directions, passing from thought to thought faster than I can keep up. I am broken and shattered, how do I go on?

The question is an internal one, a battle with myself and God. How do I survive, how do I live, when the world seems to be pressing down on me and everything is falling apart? It has been five years since I came out of a very dark place, accepting Jesus Christ as my saviour and giving my life to Him as a living sacrifice. Yet, with The Spirit within me and God at my back, I find myself in a deeper darkness than I thought imaginable. Did I do something wrong? Did I mess up so greatly? It feels as if I am being punished, as if all I hold dear is being ripped from me. We see Abraham's faith being tested by God when he is called to sacrifice his son that he treasures. Maybe that is what this is, maybe God is challenging my faith and making sure that I put Him first above all else. If so I have either failed severely or He is testing me to my very limits, stretching them as He goes.

I cannot help but dwell on the empty feeling inside of me though. I have lost several, dear pieces of myself and I do not know how to act normal when I am crumbling inside. I cannot do it anymore. I foresaw that I would hit a low, but I underestimated the severity of the brokenness. I feel as if there is nothing to live for anymore, yet I know that is so far from the truth. I have so many beautiful blessing to be thankful for and to live for. My head and heart are constantly battling between what I want and feel and what I know and believe.

It is good to get a change of perspective though, to see the world in such a different light. I have a big, incredible family to be grateful for. I have beautiful sisters that I have been dearly blessed with. I have close friends who will walk through the valleys with me. I have a God that protects and empowers me. But for all that is there I cannot help but see the pieces that are missing in my heart. Torn, so unceremoniously from my life, I do not know how to live without what was taken. How do you live without what completes you and makes you happy? How do I continue on when I no longer have that which made me who I am?

The answer is a simple, yet difficult, one: I shall thrive in the darkness as I draw on God and look at the beauty of the world He has created, trusting in Him to lead the way and fill me with His perfect Spirit. It is a solution I see but do not fully understand how to reach. I have been crying out for release and guidance, wrestling with God, yet I still feel so lost and broken at times. But I trust Him, I trust His guidance.

I think it is time I go off grid and come to grips with what is going on in my life. I need to find Him in this or I will wonder forever. I need to get my head right before I can live the life He has called me to.

To those few who have been there for me during this time: Thank you, you have kept me from completely falling apart, it means a lot to me.

I love you always.

Jem.

P.S. Some of this was inspired by a great man, Jefferson Bethke, and a video he made. If you would like to see it you can find it here, it may do you some good if you are struggling.