A Moment of Brokenness

Have you ever had a moment of defeat, when you feel as if the light has gone from the world and you have mountains pressing down on you? I had one today, and it started in the most unlikely of ways.

Driving in the rain with my favourite music playing I was in a blissful moment, until I realised that I cannot share it with the person I want to. A rare moment of untainted peace and happiness was turned to agony, so quickly, so heartlessly. You'd think that wouldn't even be possible, that such goodness would reach a point it would crash. It made me think of all I've lost, friends and family who have died, life that is no more. It's been ten months since a little brother of mine died, gone before he got to truly live. You'd think that nearly a year later, which more going on than I can handle a lot of the time, it wouldn't matter anymore. It does. It merely compounds and intensifies as life goes on.

I have been through so much over the past year that I would barely say I am even the same person anymore. Things have been difficult beyond bearing for me, yet by the grace of God I endure. I only wish that after all these months my heart would have learnt to trust Him and turn to Him more. You'd think that after months of getting by on nothing but His goodness my heart would learn to trust Him and turn to Him. Alas, the flesh prevails.

Driving later into the evening a thought crossed my mind. It is because God is moving profoundly in my life that the enemy comes against me. I think it is a likely option, but either way the struggles of the flesh can be dehabilitating.  It claws at the very walls of your heart, threatening to hollow you out. When subtly and slyness fail it goes straight for the jugular.

I miss her. I miss him. I miss them all. My love. My family. There are days when it does feel as if I am walking around empty, with all that I love and cherish taken away, my heart ripped out. Even as I am encouraged and given what I need I am attacked relentlessly on all sides. Am I the only one who finds it almost odd? Maybe it is simply providence. Phrase it however you like, I cannot deny it. I miss them as if a part of myself left with them. Worst of all is the love I left behind. Relationships that have been build over the better part of a decade. Friendship and fellowship that gave structure and support. All now gone.


Most difficult for me is to find beauty and joy in a world that I no longer associate with and love. There is no longer that equilibrium. My life is out of balance, or maybe I am only beginning to open my eyes to what was already there.

I cannot deny that God is moving in my life. I can see Him calling me into new growth and laying groundwork for my life, yet every day seems more of a struggle that the last. Just when I think that I am getting a grip on things it all slips through my fingers, shattering to pieces. I am sorry Dad. I am not the son I should be, or the son you deserve. I stumble, fall, and fail. Even with all you do for me I suffer and I cry out. I am not good enough. I lost my life, what you called me to, and yet I merely continue to fall.

No facade can take away the brokenness inside me. Only the Holy Spirit can heal that which is beyond repair. I have almost nothing let in me, but what I have is Yours.

Yours always.

Jem.

It's June Already

It's June already, how can that even be possible? It feels like it's only March, not so far into the year. People often say that time flies when you're having fun. I experienced that this week while I was doing some volunteer work with children. I think we've all had a moment like that, when we feel time has just flown by. Everything just seemed right in the world, and when it ended you wished it could go on forever. Those are great moments. In contrast it seems that unpleasant moments last far too long, minutes stretch into hours. It funny how we still remember the good moments more accurately than the unpleasant ones, or maybe that's just me.

Similarly I've found that time flies when I have a busy schedule; my days turn into weeks as I put my head down. But what about pointless moments. You know, those days you just arse around at home and get nothing done. I agree that those odd off days we get to relax never seem to last long enough, but strung together I've always found pointless days to drag on forever. There are times to rest, and then there are times that have no purpose. I have always found such pointless times to drag on eternally. Yet, things have changed. I recently had my college break, two weeks off. I spent the majority of the time in my room, reading, gaming, playing piano, and otherwise being alone. Most of it was pointless, which was kind of my point. Yet it blurred past faster than I could see. I feel more rested, but I feel as if I didn't have a break. Then I look up to realise that it's June, and I've really spent most of my time alone over the past few months.

So weird. It feels like only last week that it was February. So much has happened in my life since then, though a lot of it has been in solitude. Maybe that's why, I've had to events to mark the passage of time. But that wouldn't make sense. I've had class and work, as well as social and church things. It doesn't feel real that it's June. That can't be possible... yet it is. So unreal. It feels unreal that I am already through a third of my academic year, that it is almost the middle of the year when it feels like the year only started a month or two ago. I just can't wrap my head around it. I want to, it means I am closer to my goals, but it just doesn't feel right. Almost like it's too good to be true, it a slight way. Odd.

One day.

Jem.

What If

What if. Such incredibly powerful words, words that I have been saying to myself a lot of late. When we ask ourselves what if we find ourselves looking away from the present, towards either the past or the future. Over the past months I have allowed myself to ask those dangerous, damaging what if questions. We all have them, you know the ones I am talking about. For me it is what if I am not enough, what if I should have done it differently, what if I never have a family and a home. For each of us the fears and doubt can cripple us in ways nothing else can. What if I don't have a life worth living? What if my hopes and dreams never come true? These questions have been plaguing my mind, disabling my future before it is even given a chance.

A few weeks ago I was out of town for some family business. While I was away, surrounded by family, I found us all asking similar things. What if. Sparked my a conversation I had with my father, and fuelled by a discussion I had with some of my cousins, I started asking completely different what if questions. What if I could do anything I set my mind to? What if money never stopped me from doing something? What if things could be different? The beauty it that they can be different, in fact as a given in life change guarantees things will be different. What if things could be better?

I came back home with this burning question embedded within my heart. What if, instead of fearing what could be, things changed for the better. Over the past few weeks since I've been back it is something I have been considering almost constantly. It has caused me to question so much. What if there was no need for me to do the things I do, would I do them anyway? When you don't need to show respect or clean up after yourself does that mean you shouldn't? And the answer struck me while I was brushing my teeth one morning.

I do the things I do, 

not because they need to be done,

but because they are right.

It changed my outlook on a lot of things I did, and a lot of things I didn't do. If money were not an issue, if I was already successful, I had all I wanted, would I even get out of bed? I think that some of us would't. I think that some of us are so wrapped up in our own world that we fail to see the world out there, the world all around us. The things I desire are not things that are simply achieved and then put on a shelf. I do not want to get my trophy, have my life, and then build walls to the rest of the world. I want to experience and live life. Sure, there are things I'd like to achieve. For me a very important thing I want is a family of my own, one day to have my own wife and kids. Few things compare to that for me. But that is never just it, it's the process of living life (of learning and growing) that it precious. 

Some dreams are so overwhelming

they cannot merely be achieved,

they must be continuously pursued.

While I was brushing my teeth I realised that I do what I do, not because it needs to be done, but because it is who I want to be. I want to be a man of God. I want to be a man of class, a man of manners. I want to be a father and a husband. I want help others. The man I want to be one day is not something I can achieve and then be done, it is something I will have to work at every waking moment. 

There are two very big things that I have been letting hold me back for a while now, and I plan to change that. One New Year I heard a sermon that inspired me in an incredible way. The title was 'What If...'. What if this year was your best year yet? What if this year you did more than you could ever imagine. What if this year you conquered life? That is what I am looking at now, in two practical areas that I have held myself back in for far too long. For too long I have allowed money and pessimism restrict my life. It's far easier to say I don't have the money for that, or I couldn't do that, instead of making a way.

There is always a way,

if not in you then in God.

What if you took control of your own life?

What if you lived life to the full?

What if you wrote your own future?

It can be done.

Jem. 

To The Beyond

The last time I wrote of death I had just miraculously survived a car crash that should have claimed my life. It changed my life, kept me up at night as I reevaluated my paradigms. A year ago my life was spared, some would say for a purpose. A few months after my life was spared a close friend of mine died in a plane crash. It rocked me to my very core. I will never forget standing at his funeral, feeling intense amounts of pain and anger. The would was surreal for me at that point, I could not distinguish reality from my nightmares, my pain. I had been saved, while he had died. I lost a friend, a mentee, a little brother. Life lost its colour for me for a while after that. Life goes on though, and within weeks people were acting like nothing had happened. In the haze of the funeral I remember very clearly a moment I shared with one of my most dear friends. I tend to put on a brave face most of the time, doing what needs to be done, smiling and comforting those who needed it. Yet as she approached me, with tears pouring down her face and her heart in pieces, I wept with her. We simply embraced one another and wept, a connection taking place far deeper than words as we felt the loss of my brother.

Life was never the same after that. I suffered and wrestled with life for some time, eventually managing to live life without him. His death, coupled with my near-death experience, changed a lot in my life. It lead me to challenge a lot of preconceptions and outlooks as I tried to accept and understand all that had happened. Twelve months later and I still think of him, because he was a part of me and his absence changes things. It gives me determination and purpose as I chose to live my life fully, and do the best with the opportunity I have been given (and he was not). I am studying diligently, serving devoutly, and living fully. 

Life has thrown many challenges and hurdles at me over the past year. Those closest to me have watched me change immensely as I have been put through fire. In the last few months I have experienced more than I thought possible. I have suffered difficulties and enjoyed blessings. In all honesty though, pain and suffering has become a constant companion of mine. I have had my whole life changed, and continue to shift. Even at the absolute best of times I have not been far from suffering. It has caused me to grow and adapt in way I never imagined. It is something I have come to see as less of a curse, and more of an odd blessing. It pushes you to improve and grow stronger. 

“Suffering isn’t an obstacle to being used by God. It is an opportunity to be used like never before.” 

Levi Lusko

But I digress. The reason I am writing this post is because I have just lost someone very close to my heart. Many of us, sadly, not not have a large, loving family. I am blessed with a truly incredible family. As a family man there are few things to rival the importance of family for me (in which I do include some of my closest friends). The matriarch of our Mundell family passed away today. My gran has been instrumental in the growth and development of my family, both collectively and individually. Two weeks ago I was called to say that I needed to come and say goodbye to her. Today I said my last goodbye. There will be no more late night chats about life, no more lunch adventures, no more borderline-perfect dinners by the fire. She is gone, and there is a whole in all our lives. Over this past week I have been brought to my knees as we have struggled with the departure of this great woman, one of the kindest people I've ever met. As we all gathered together to say goodbye I saw the horrific struggle of my family, losing one who is as sweet as the sunrise.

It is true, she had lived her life. For that I am beyond grateful. As she confronted death she did it knowing that she did all she could, eventually finding peace in meeting her maker. Her death is almost opposite to my friend's death, yet it hits me with the force of an avalanche. Even in her parting I saw the gap being torn in the lives of my beloved family, tearing a gap in the make-up of my heart. As I sat on the hospital floor, hearing her struggling to breath, I felt like the world was fading past. I didn't even feel anymore pain or suffering than I have been living with of late. The psyche can only take so much. The floor could not fall out from underneath me because it already has, and I am merely trying to float on at this point. It gets to a point where more suffering simply means less sleep. 

I have so many great memories and experiences of her. She truly lived a wonderful life. She was a beauty with none to compare. Was. I would ask how I could possibly continue living life with this loss, but already know the answer from experience. You focus on the now and live for tomorrow, drawing wisdom and strength from the past. It seems easy enough when put into words, but put into action it will be a difficult endeavour. Yet there is always someway to grow, someway to learn and improve. 

They never truly leave us; they live within us.

In the midst of this pain there has been a wonderful opportunity. I cannot go into much detail at the moment, and it may pass as nothing, but it is very possible that my family has been incredibly blessed. Things will unfold more in the months to come, if they unfold at all, but I feel it in the air that there is change within the family. By this time next year everything could be different for us. In the wise words of my great uncle: "There is always hope." 

“Hope is to our survival, what oxygen is to the lungs.” 

Levi Lusko

I have hope.

Jem.

Faith

It's paradoxical, isn't it? In order to have faith you must believe, but to believe you must have faith.

From the outside it can seem impossible, but from the inside it can be as easy as breathing. 

You're either in or you're out. It's not that simple though, and thankfully so. I think it is more of an attitude, a heart and mindset, a choice. Sure, it may seem impossible to have faith when you simply don't, but you choose to believe and the faith comes from that. It is much easier on the inside, where it is just maintaining that belief to upkeep the faith.

On a regular basis, usually when sharing my journey or beliefs, I have someone question me on my faith. What if things don't work out for you? What if you don't get married? What if something happens? How do you have faith in that? How could you believe that? I have my faith questioned on a regular basis, and it is not uncommon for someone to try and tell me my beliefs are wrong and that I should settle on believing something else. That simply isn't an option for me. I have made my choices, and I choose them again every day. I won't lie and say that it's always easy. Some days I feel so horribly far from faith, from peace, from joy, but it is on those days that it matters most what I do. There are these days when I feel empty and hopeless, I think we all have them, but there are also days when I feel as if I can do anything. On those days I am unconquerable, not because I am infallible, but because my heart cannot be defeated. If only I could truly explain to you what faith brings. It is something that cannot be done true justice through words alone. It must be experienced to understand the true splendour of it. Out of that faith is birthed both incredible joy and serenity.

My faith can stand strong and firm because it is rooted in God. I am not one to talk about my spiritual beliefs much outside of a church context unless someone brings it up, as I prefer to let my life speak for me instead of forcing my beliefs on another, but in this case I think I need to explain myself better. I can have extreme, unwavering faith in things because I believe in the all-powerful God. I anchor myself in Christ and let everything come out of that. It is because of God that I can be fearless in my faith, believing that no matter what happens I can trust in God and His word. Recently I was asked what I enjoy most about my faith, and the answer is simple: my relationship with God. If you share that with me in some way you know that there is nothing to compare it to. No one gets you, loves you, and provides for you like God does. Out of that flows such incredible things. As you place your faith in Him and put Him in the centre of your life you'll see how He blesses you innumerably and conquers all that could ever trouble you.

"We fight from victory, not for victory."

A phrase that has really stuck with me is this one I heard a while back. That is exactly it for me. I do not fight in pursuit of winning. In faith, with God, I have already won. It changes everything, when you look at something in faith, knowing that the battle has already been won. That is how I have faith, because my faith is in Christ. I can stand strong and believe when everything around me is telling me otherwise because I know that God's word is law and that He is king of all.

Over the past few years I have been on an incredible journey. Over the past few months I have been challenged, stretched, and blessed in ways I didn't think possible. I could not truly describe all I have experienced. It has been breath-taking. When you're on the inside it is almost difficult to not believe and have faith. I have had my socks blown off by God's goodness more than a few times. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I do not know where to even begin... Now that I have experienced His goodness like I have I cannot help but believe and have faith. He has been with me every step of the way, through thick and thin, and I trust Him with my very being. It is out of that that I have faith in the future, in what is to come. I have faith in His word, in His promises, and in His guidance.

When your heart is after Him everything else pales in comparison. Even huge mountains begin to look insignificant. That is not to say that there are not times when you struggle and pain, but with a heart after His own there is comfort and peace through it all. I personally struggle with seeing others struggle and letting things be. I am a fighter by nature, although I think that is changing to some degree as I get closer to Him, but I think that when you do something out of a heart for God it changes things. It makes you better, stronger, and wiser than you could ever be in your own capacity and interests.

I have faith. I believe that, because of Him, life is good. I believe that one day I will have the life I dream and pray for, just as He has already provided for me and blessed me.

I have faith.

Jem.