The Beauty of the Storm

Storms are truly beautiful creations. Little compares to the splendour and wonder of a storm, whether you are sitting by a warm fire, listening to the blissful melody of the rain, or standing out in the hurling winds, drenched to the bone, as the sky roars its defiance. Nothing can stand up to the power and ferocity of a storm. It is a force of nature. You cannot control a storm. While storms are to be respected, I certainly do not believe they are to be feared, but rather appreciated.

Life is full of many storms. While storms may rage around us, it is the storms that rage within us that matter the most. Just as a storm may destroy that which stands in its way, it brings great power and beauty to those who respect and honour the storm. Learn to stand in the midst of the storm with open arms and you will know greatness far beyond this earth.

"Rejoice, my brothers and sisters, when you face trials of many kinds,

knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.

Let endurance finish its work, so that you may be

mature and complete, lacking in nothing."

James 1:2-4

I'll admit, it's a difficult concept to wrap your head around and embrace. It goes against so much within us to stand and embrace the storm, to rejoice in the difficulties. It may seem illogical, counter-intuitive, and even psychotic, but I assure you that it is quite the opposite. Do you know what pain is, at the fundamental level? Simply a message, telling you that something is wrong and needs to be fixed. Pain does not define you or limit you, if anything it enables you. It shows you were to focus your energy. 

It has been on a journey that I started a few weeks ago that I have learnt this. I cannot claim the brilliance of this discovery though, it has been due to the inspiration of my most treasured companion, and the knowledge and wisdom of God, found in His word. I decided to take a stand and fight for the life I want; she showed me how to have strength and endurance; He showed me how to live life, and life to the fullest.

Over the past month, as I have been fasting, praying, and meditating, I have found an increasing thirst of literature. Perhaps it is because I no longer allow myself to waste time on pointless pursuits; perhaps it is because I find solace in another world; perhaps it is because I have developed a better appreciation for the power of words. Regardless, my room continues to fill with books of various kinds, while my desk is cluttered with quotes and passages from all over. There is such majesty in good literature, and an incredible power that comes from knowing it.

"Books are my friends, my companions. 

They make me laugh and cry and find meaning in life."

Christopher Paolini

"One must always be careful of books and what is inside them,
for words have the power to change us."
Cassandra Clare

"I have hidden Your word in my heart,

that I might not sin against You."

Psalm 119:11

One of my favourite pieces of literature comes from a poem written by one of the original 1820 settlers. Thomas Pringle wrote Cape of Storms, showing the beauty that can be found in the storm. The extract that I enjoy most reads as follows:

Yet, spite of physical and moral ill, 

And after all I've seen and suffered here, 

There are strong links that bind me to thee still, 

And render even thy rocks and deserts dear;

There is so much to be learnt from literature, so much to be enjoyed and thought on. There are endless journeys to be taken through the pages of countless books, all so wonderful and exhilarating. With it all comes the infinite wisdom and guidance of scripture, through which I have learnt more than I could possibly hope to understand on my own. If you ever seek guidance and help, you need only turn to God and His word. He will guide and bless you.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation,

by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 

The peace of God, which transcends all understanding,

will guard you hearts and your minds in Jesus Christ."

Philippians 4:6-7

"The Lord God is a sun and a shield;

the Lord bestows favour and honour.

No good thing does He withhold

from those who walk uprightly."

Psalm 84:11

"Blessed is the one who remains steadfast under trial,

for when they have stood the test they will receive the crown of life,

which God has provided to those who love Him."

James 1:12

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord,

plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you a hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

We see that God shows us how to live life; He teaches us not only to endure, but to grow and flourish. He provides for us. Not only is He there when we are suffering and need His help, but He is also there when we are well and would like His blessing. He is the all-powerful and loving Father.

Oh, how I have been blessed by Him. One day I will share the greatest blessing in my life with you all. As I grow and develop He blesses me in so many ways; as I push into Him through the trials and difficulties I find that I am so much more myself, strong and free. He has opened my eyes and worked in my heart in more ways than I can fathom, and I am but a child. I shudder to think how He will mould and grow me as I continue through life. There is already so much I am thankful for, so much I rejoice in.

While the world will continue to throw all it has at me, and undoubtably I will stumble and fall along the way, I give you my word that I will press on. I will never give up, I will stand and fight, you taught me that. With God anything is possible.

"Be joyful in hope.

Be patient in tribulation.

Be constant in prayer."

Romans 12:12

Jem.

The Movement of Miracles

How often do you think of miracles? It is something I think may of us turn to when there is no other option, but how many of us consider it as a possibility outside of when we think there is no other way? Recently, as a church, we delved into miracles, those performed and how they generally intertwine with reality. It is not something I had given much thought to, not something I considered a real option in life.


I would like to start by sharing a miracle that happened in my heart a month or two ago. It is not something technically tangible, but it has been more influential in my life over the past few months than anything tangible really could be.

To understand what I have experienced you'll need a bit more background on my situation and view of things. This past year (or two) has been a rollercoaster of note for me, beyond what I would have thought possible. To give you some context (if you are unfamiliar with the some-what recently happenings of my life), at the start of the year I left my church, friends, and closest companion. The reasons are not important for you to understand the context of my miracle, only that my heart was torn apart when I left, leaving most of me with what had become my home and family there. I left for a few reasons, but the main one being that God called me to follow Him elsewhere. It was not something I wanted to do but it was something I needed to do (doing otherwise would have been in opposition to God's plan for my life). So I left, I left my home and my family, heartbroken but following God's plan.

The pain and suffering became a constant companion to me as I left behind most of what I held dear. This pain and suffering became something of an ever-present companion to me, that I would turn to as a way of anchoring myself to the broken reality I was found in. I questioned the sanity of having that hurt as an anchor to my reality, but it was all I had. I would wake up in the morning and search for it. I would be out at some unavoidable event and find comfort and identity in its presence. Imagine, if you will, your mind as a landscape of thought as feelings (something I have done for years now due to the incredible Inheritance Cycle, a definite must read). For years I have visualised my mind as a vast dark blue emptiness, not unlike a field in the moonlight, populated by my thoughts and feelings. I knew exactly where this wound was in my mind and I would hold to it as the last piece of what I lost, my last piece of painful sanity.

"The spirit of man can endure only so much, and when it is broken only a miracle can mend it."

John Burroughs

Then one evening everything changed. Attending a men's conference I wrestled with God, as I had been for months, on the season He called me into. I felt empty, lonely, and angry all at the same time, all because of my world that I had lost. I cried out to Him, furious that He would dare to do such a thing and leave me hanging out to dry. I begged for release, for something to change, anything. As I had for weeks on end I sought the familiar comfort of the pain, only to find it gone. I fell to my knees, breathless as my entire world shifted. I felt completely lost within my own mind. As I tried to understand what was happening, tried to make sense of my own mind, I found no vast emptiness populated by my thoughts and feelings, instead I found myself in a dimly lit cavern. As I stepped into the cavern I saw a spectacular lake surrounded by the elegant rock formations (if you have read The Mortal Instruments (City of Heavenly Fire) you'll know the wonder of which I speak). I was dumbstruck, in complete awe. Before I could even question what was going on I found myself in the middle of the small lake, slowing submerging in the water. It felt as right as breathing, and as I slowly became surrounded by the warm water I realised what God was doing, what had happened. He healed my pain and suffering, leaving no trace of its existence, more than that though He completely changed my mind. The lake is God's love, endless and warm, while the cavern itself is the renewed landscape of my mind. Almost every aspect of my life has changed accordingly, as He has changed the very foundation of my mind. I will not even attempt to convey the beauty and splendour it brings into my life, I doubt words could do it justice.

"Love is the great miracle cure. Loving ourselves works miracles in our lives."

Louise Hay

God worked a miracle in me, healing me and wrapping me in His love. For some of you it may seem silly or unreal, but for me it was a personal miracle than fundamentally changed my life. It meant that I no longer anchored myself to a morphed reality through pain and suffering, but instead I found peace and identity in God's incredible, glorious love. It was (and still is) a wonderful blessing, bringing much needed peace and joy to my life.


Only weeks beforehand had I began to challenge miracles and their reality in this world. From there I began to look at things in a new way, removing many of the boundaries I had placed on my reality (instead letting God take care of any boundaries that get in the way). It was only a short while after this that I once again became overwhelmed by the circumstances of life. As I fell to my knees before God, with my head bowed and tears streaming down my face, I looked at the powerful latin phrase inscribed on my wrist: Orando et Laborando. Not only was I reminded that nothing can overcome God within me, but I also realised that the boundaries that confined me were mere by-products of my false paradigm. I realised that a miracle was possible, and it could change everything.

That is why, starting on the 1st of August, I will be spending the month fasting and praying into this. I am disturbed by the current state of things and there is something I can do about it. If you know me at all you will know that my future is one of the most important things to me, and it's time I started investing fully in it. The reasons I have chosen to do so over the next month is because there are some very special dates I wish to honour and I wish to push everything I have into improving things (for both myself and others). Over the next month I will be deleting all my social media accounts, reducing the use of my phone to the bare minimum, and spending the majority of my time fasting and praying into the miracles set within my heart.

The miracles are slightly complex and personal, but because of the power of words and public declaration I shall share them here. Firstly is the most devastating situation to my heart: the pain and suffering of my closest companion. She has been through more than I can fathom (struggles and situations that have brought me to my knees may times just from hearing them), and the strength and beauty within her often leaves me breathless. She is on a journey of discovering Christ and creating that personal relationship with Him, making Him the centre of her life. Although I am sadly not able to walk this journey with her (a journey that I also had to struggle and fight through) I am immensely proud and joyful of the incredible wisdom, devotion, and resilience she shows. I pray that God breaks through to her, heals her brokenness and suffering, and blesses her with new life and spirit.

The second miracle is one both within my heart and within my circumstance. As I mentioned above I left my heart behind at the beginning of the year. It has been an incredible struggle, but also incredibly growing as God pushes and challenges me. It has been months, but yet my heart is still not with me. Although parts of me will always remain there, there is so little of my heart in where I am now, and it causes me great distress. I have tried to invest myself elsewhere, but with my heart still left behind I have been unable to grow and develop fully in what God is calling me to. The miracle I pray for is that God creates a new home and family for me in this next season He has called me into, and that He would help my heart to be after the things He is calling me to.

This means the world to me, and I will fight to the ends of the universe for it.

"Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye."

H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Nothing will stop me.

Jem.

Amor Vincit Omnia

The response to my last post was incredible, far beyond what I was expecting. I wrote it with the purpose of going into more detail on one of my tattoos that I am often asked about. It holds special meaning to me, and seeing as I am asked about it often (without the time to fully explain it) I thought it would be a good idea to unpack it. I did not expect it to quickly become my most viewed post on this blog, only being overshadowed by the incident that nearly claimed my life last year.

After the overwhelming response to my last post I thought it would be a good idea to unpack and explain another of my beloved tattoos. While I was deciding which tattoo to write about I stumbled across a pleasant piece of literature. I read and reread it a few times, each time feeling more and more drawn to it, as it spoke to the romantic within me. The title of the piece stood out to me the most, which confused me as I did not understand it. 'Amor Vincit Omnia'. In latin, it means 'love conquers all'. As it clicked in my mind I was dumbstruck, transfixed by three beautiful words, a phrase that means more to me than life. You may think it extreme for me to say that, that a phrase means more to me than life, but let me explain and hopefully you'll begin to understand.

This is a fallen world we live in, filled with pain and suffering. There is no escaping the imperfection of this world. When you look at your own life do you not see the scars from where the world has left you beaten and broken? We face the difficulty of life every day, and some days it completely overwhelms us. You don't need to put on a facade here, it's okay to admit to yourself that things aren't always okay. It is in these moments of brokenness that life itself can seem impossible, but these moments can change us forever. It was because of these moments that as a child I sought some way to combat them and handle life on better footing. What I discovered changed not only my life, but my heart and soul.

"Now these three things remain: faith, hope, and love. The greatest of these is love."

1 Corinthians 13:13

"God so loved the world that He gave up His son, so that all who trust in Him shall not be lost, but shall live life to its fullest."
John 3:16

"Love overcomes all."

Proverbs 10:12

I was overwhelmed by the teachings on this, how often it comes up and how strongly it is emphasised. When taking our society into consideration I thought it odd, if not contradictory. I have never been much of a conformer, seldom caring if I am different to others, and so I took it on as a challenge and a test. Could love truly overcome it all?

I'll be honest, it was much more difficult than I expected (and I didn't expect it to be easy at all). To let love rule your life, lead and guide you, requires more than any of us have within ourselves. I persisted, turning to God as I struggled with my failure and inadequacy. It took years before I started to see the results, before I started to see the fruits of my actions, of love. It was gradual at first, unnoticed, but as God's love grew within me it overcame everything in its way. As I fought the battles of my life with love I saw the effect it had. It was divine, undeniable. I started using love to fight battles of the heart and mind as well, and was astonished at the results. Things I had viewed as impossible to overcome, simple unpleasantries of life, crumbled before God's love within me.

"Love isn't something you find. Love is something that finds you."

Loretta Young

Then something incredible happened, something that dwarfed what I had previously experienced and understood of love. I experienced a true, complete love. Love that transcends understanding and breaks down boundaries. It would be like trying to explain the beauty of a sunset to a blind man, impossible to fully capture and yet so wonderful. Complete love outshines everything. I experienced what it is like to not only received incredible love, but to have it dwell within me and flow through me. I imagine it akin to trying to explain actual romantic love to an infatuated teen, simply beyond us.

And so into my broken and hurt life came this love. I did nothing to deserve it, but God blessed me immeasurably all the same. Just thinking about it makes my heart swell. As this holy, complete love began to spread through my heart and mind it simply washed away everything else. It came in and washed over all my pain and struggles as if they were nothing, as if they never even existed. Can you even begin to imagine that, a life without pain or suffering, simply love?

That is why love means more to me than life itself, for without love life is empty. There is a miracle that happened in my life a couple of months ago that I'd like to share with you, but I'd like to explain the full, incredible beauty of it, so I will do so in another post.

This incredible phrase, that 'love conquers all', embodies the very faith and hope of life itself. Found in a stunning latin phrase, 'amor vincit omnia', it is engraved on my heart and soul. It stands eternal and all-powerful. You do not even begin to understand life without this love. I am so grateful that it found and chose me, as imperfect and inadequate as I am.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Nothing can overcome this.

Jem.

Orando et Laborando

Have you ever felt completely helpless and powerless? I have, and it really gets to me. Growing up one of the biggest things I struggled with internally was being still. I struggled immensely with impulsivity and restlessness; I was always on the go, often not thinking through what I was doing. When an unpleasant situation came around I wouldn't think twice to leap at doing something, anything, to fix it. Then came the situations that I could not fix. You cannot talk cancer away or tell death to return a loved one. I struggled so much in these situations, and because of my nature I found myself doing things, things that were detrimental in the end, simply because I wanted to do something to help. 

As I continued to grow it got worse. Not only was I detrimental in tough situations I couldn't help, but I also became much more impulsive. It cost me beyond what I think I was even able to comprehend back then. If everything I do is simply a reflex am I even my own person? I didn't feel like it. I felt imprisoned within my own body and mind. 

Then things changed. I changed, and something inside of me shifted. I was beyond done with letting anything define my life and so I took a stand and devoted most of my focus to mastering my mind and controlling my body. My journey with God helped me to see that while I myself was powerless in many situations on my own, with Him nothing is impossible. 

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Philippians 4:13

And so it happened that while in boarding school I can across the latin phrase 'orando et laborando'. It was actually my school motto, although few of us know what it truly meant. One day a parent asked me what it was a what it meant. I had no answer for them as I knew nothing of it either. It sparked my interest though and I began to learn more about the phrase and its origin. Roughly translated into English it can be read as 'working and praying' or 'through work and prayer'. It spoke to me so strongly, my thoughts directly in a beautiful piece of latin.

While the direct translation is 'through work and prayer' it has such a deeper meaning if you'll only open your eyes to it. It spoke right into my heart, right into my struggle. It means that there are two ways to do things, though often incorporated because of the chaos that is life. You can either work at something directly or you can pray on it and ask God to work on your behalf. There are situations where you do not need God's direct intervention because He has already blessed you to be able to do such things. There are situations where you need God's help to do something, His guidance and strength to navigate through it. Then there are situations where you are simply powerless, on your own you can do nothing but be overwhelmed. These are the situations when all you can do is pray, and pray like there is no tomorrow. For me there are only three types of situations, these three, and this beautiful latin phrase helped me to put into words what I already knew and believed.

This is one of my very first tattoos, one of my favourites. I have it on my wrist to both remind me and symbolise that there are some things that I can do and there are some thing things that only God can do (and I can do with Him, through prayer).

Jem.

A Moment of Brokenness

Have you ever had a moment of defeat, when you feel as if the light has gone from the world and you have mountains pressing down on you? I had one today, and it started in the most unlikely of ways.

Driving in the rain with my favourite music playing I was in a blissful moment, until I realised that I cannot share it with the person I want to. A rare moment of untainted peace and happiness was turned to agony, so quickly, so heartlessly. You'd think that wouldn't even be possible, that such goodness would reach a point it would crash. It made me think of all I've lost, friends and family who have died, life that is no more. It's been ten months since a little brother of mine died, gone before he got to truly live. You'd think that nearly a year later, which more going on than I can handle a lot of the time, it wouldn't matter anymore. It does. It merely compounds and intensifies as life goes on.

I have been through so much over the past year that I would barely say I am even the same person anymore. Things have been difficult beyond bearing for me, yet by the grace of God I endure. I only wish that after all these months my heart would have learnt to trust Him and turn to Him more. You'd think that after months of getting by on nothing but His goodness my heart would learn to trust Him and turn to Him. Alas, the flesh prevails.

Driving later into the evening a thought crossed my mind. It is because God is moving profoundly in my life that the enemy comes against me. I think it is a likely option, but either way the struggles of the flesh can be dehabilitating.  It claws at the very walls of your heart, threatening to hollow you out. When subtly and slyness fail it goes straight for the jugular.

I miss her. I miss him. I miss them all. My love. My family. There are days when it does feel as if I am walking around empty, with all that I love and cherish taken away, my heart ripped out. Even as I am encouraged and given what I need I am attacked relentlessly on all sides. Am I the only one who finds it almost odd? Maybe it is simply providence. Phrase it however you like, I cannot deny it. I miss them as if a part of myself left with them. Worst of all is the love I left behind. Relationships that have been build over the better part of a decade. Friendship and fellowship that gave structure and support. All now gone.


Most difficult for me is to find beauty and joy in a world that I no longer associate with and love. There is no longer that equilibrium. My life is out of balance, or maybe I am only beginning to open my eyes to what was already there.

I cannot deny that God is moving in my life. I can see Him calling me into new growth and laying groundwork for my life, yet every day seems more of a struggle that the last. Just when I think that I am getting a grip on things it all slips through my fingers, shattering to pieces. I am sorry Dad. I am not the son I should be, or the son you deserve. I stumble, fall, and fail. Even with all you do for me I suffer and I cry out. I am not good enough. I lost my life, what you called me to, and yet I merely continue to fall.

No facade can take away the brokenness inside me. Only the Holy Spirit can heal that which is beyond repair. I have almost nothing let in me, but what I have is Yours.

Yours always.

Jem.