Wilderness

I find myself broken and wondering of late. I can feel that there are pieces of me missing and flawed, taken and damaged. I stay up at night trying to find some sliver of peace and happiness in the desert I find myself in. I find my mind running in a dozen different directions, passing from thought to thought faster than I can keep up. I am broken and shattered, how do I go on?

The question is an internal one, a battle with myself and God. How do I survive, how do I live, when the world seems to be pressing down on me and everything is falling apart? It has been five years since I came out of a very dark place, accepting Jesus Christ as my saviour and giving my life to Him as a living sacrifice. Yet, with The Spirit within me and God at my back, I find myself in a deeper darkness than I thought imaginable. Did I do something wrong? Did I mess up so greatly? It feels as if I am being punished, as if all I hold dear is being ripped from me. We see Abraham's faith being tested by God when he is called to sacrifice his son that he treasures. Maybe that is what this is, maybe God is challenging my faith and making sure that I put Him first above all else. If so I have either failed severely or He is testing me to my very limits, stretching them as He goes.

I cannot help but dwell on the empty feeling inside of me though. I have lost several, dear pieces of myself and I do not know how to act normal when I am crumbling inside. I cannot do it anymore. I foresaw that I would hit a low, but I underestimated the severity of the brokenness. I feel as if there is nothing to live for anymore, yet I know that is so far from the truth. I have so many beautiful blessing to be thankful for and to live for. My head and heart are constantly battling between what I want and feel and what I know and believe.

It is good to get a change of perspective though, to see the world in such a different light. I have a big, incredible family to be grateful for. I have beautiful sisters that I have been dearly blessed with. I have close friends who will walk through the valleys with me. I have a God that protects and empowers me. But for all that is there I cannot help but see the pieces that are missing in my heart. Torn, so unceremoniously from my life, I do not know how to live without what was taken. How do you live without what completes you and makes you happy? How do I continue on when I no longer have that which made me who I am?

The answer is a simple, yet difficult, one: I shall thrive in the darkness as I draw on God and look at the beauty of the world He has created, trusting in Him to lead the way and fill me with His perfect Spirit. It is a solution I see but do not fully understand how to reach. I have been crying out for release and guidance, wrestling with God, yet I still feel so lost and broken at times. But I trust Him, I trust His guidance.

I think it is time I go off grid and come to grips with what is going on in my life. I need to find Him in this or I will wonder forever. I need to get my head right before I can live the life He has called me to.

To those few who have been there for me during this time: Thank you, you have kept me from completely falling apart, it means a lot to me.

I love you always.

Jem.

P.S. Some of this was inspired by a great man, Jefferson Bethke, and a video he made. If you would like to see it you can find it here, it may do you some good if you are struggling.

Being Lost

There are defining moments in life that change the course of our lives forever. It is in these moments, as our lives come down to a big decision or an incident, that so much hangs in the balance. It is in these moments that our lives can be changed drastically, our futures rewritten.

I can think of two such moments in my life: the first when I moved to Cape Town and the second when I a become a born-again Christian and chose to live my life for God. I can put them into a calm sentence but both were very turbulent times in my life, when it felt as if the floor was falling out underneath me at times. I think that these moments hold such power in our lives, when we are at our lowest and allow God to build us up in a better way. Sometimes you actually just need to start again. You can move cities fairly easily, start going to church pretty simply, but the raw frenzy going on inside you is something else entirely. In order to change who you are you need to lose, or in some cases destroy, who you were. You may disagree with me, that's perfectly okay. I am still a teenager, though just, and there is every possibility that I am wrong. Seldom are times of big change simple and easy though.

It is in one of these moments that I find myself now. I thought I felt it earlier in the year but it didn't quite happen, everything sort of settled for a while. As the whirlwinds race around me now I see that I am here again, at a stormy crossroads in life, a position to have so much change and grow. This morning I was thinking about how much I grew the last time this happened, how I properly joined the church and devoted myself to Christ. I do not know what is in store for me but as I see the storms around me I know that there is great potential here. There may be more pain and sadness than I know how to deal with at times but I am ecstatic with where this could be taking me. It is not easy to navigate rapids but it is a rush, and the afterwards it was worth every second of it.

I would like to take this time to apologise to everyone I have hurt or wronged during this time, you know who you are. This year has been a very difficult and crazy time for me and I have not treated many people as I ought to have. I know it doesn't excuse what I did but I would like you to understand the situation and know that it was not intentional to hurt or wrong you, I am sorry where I have done so. I am not out of this yet either though, so please bare with me as I struggle and grow through this. If I continue to offend you or hurt you please just stay away from me, I do not see what I do all the time and I do in unintentional.


I wrote the first part of the blog a few weeks ago, unsure of how to complete it and if I should post it. The point of these ramblings are mainly to help clear my mind and focus my thoughts. I, therefor, will not delete any of what I have said. I will, however, add some more information to update those of you who have an interest in my life.

Over the course of the last month a lot has transpired. To put it bluntly, as I have no interest in making things look pretty at the moment, I have lost my job, been removed from leading the youth ministry, and have had someone I care very dearly for taken from my life. I make it sound worse than it really is when I say it like that, or maybe I don't, but it is what it is. I have considered long and hard whether I should publish this on a blog or whether it would be best to just say nothing, but it is the truth and I have nothing to hide. These are my ramblings after all, my thoughts and feelings. I would not go as far as to say anyone has wronged me, please don't take that from this, I am just expressing my situation at the moment.

As for my plans for rest of the year, I will be spending the next two months taking a break from life and connecting with God as to what He wants from me going forward. This is most certainly a phoenix moment in my life, for if I do not rise from the ashes I do not think I will rise at all. With almost all of my commitments in life falling away in a matter of days I now have an opportunity that many in life wish for: a chance to remake myself, and my life. A second chance of sorts.

What would you do if you could achieve anything you set your mind to? What would you spend your hours doing if you did not need to fear the unknown? What captures your heart and soul? I think I know what I want from my life, how to get there is quite another story entirely. Life is a journey after all, not just a destination.

Please take these words with a bit more perspective than usual. My thoughts have been running wild and I have not restricted them very much, it would defeat the purpose of my blogging. Although I have lost so much recently and I am such a state of turmoil, I have so much to be grateful for and excited about.

I will fight for this, my future, with every breath I have in me.

Jem.

"The future belongs to those who prepare for it today."

Malcolm X