A Moment of Brokenness

Have you ever had a moment of defeat, when you feel as if the light has gone from the world and you have mountains pressing down on you? I had one today, and it started in the most unlikely of ways.

Driving in the rain with my favourite music playing I was in a blissful moment, until I realised that I cannot share it with the person I want to. A rare moment of untainted peace and happiness was turned to agony, so quickly, so heartlessly. You'd think that wouldn't even be possible, that such goodness would reach a point it would crash. It made me think of all I've lost, friends and family who have died, life that is no more. It's been ten months since a little brother of mine died, gone before he got to truly live. You'd think that nearly a year later, which more going on than I can handle a lot of the time, it wouldn't matter anymore. It does. It merely compounds and intensifies as life goes on.

I have been through so much over the past year that I would barely say I am even the same person anymore. Things have been difficult beyond bearing for me, yet by the grace of God I endure. I only wish that after all these months my heart would have learnt to trust Him and turn to Him more. You'd think that after months of getting by on nothing but His goodness my heart would learn to trust Him and turn to Him. Alas, the flesh prevails.

Driving later into the evening a thought crossed my mind. It is because God is moving profoundly in my life that the enemy comes against me. I think it is a likely option, but either way the struggles of the flesh can be dehabilitating.  It claws at the very walls of your heart, threatening to hollow you out. When subtly and slyness fail it goes straight for the jugular.

I miss her. I miss him. I miss them all. My love. My family. There are days when it does feel as if I am walking around empty, with all that I love and cherish taken away, my heart ripped out. Even as I am encouraged and given what I need I am attacked relentlessly on all sides. Am I the only one who finds it almost odd? Maybe it is simply providence. Phrase it however you like, I cannot deny it. I miss them as if a part of myself left with them. Worst of all is the love I left behind. Relationships that have been build over the better part of a decade. Friendship and fellowship that gave structure and support. All now gone.


Most difficult for me is to find beauty and joy in a world that I no longer associate with and love. There is no longer that equilibrium. My life is out of balance, or maybe I am only beginning to open my eyes to what was already there.

I cannot deny that God is moving in my life. I can see Him calling me into new growth and laying groundwork for my life, yet every day seems more of a struggle that the last. Just when I think that I am getting a grip on things it all slips through my fingers, shattering to pieces. I am sorry Dad. I am not the son I should be, or the son you deserve. I stumble, fall, and fail. Even with all you do for me I suffer and I cry out. I am not good enough. I lost my life, what you called me to, and yet I merely continue to fall.

No facade can take away the brokenness inside me. Only the Holy Spirit can heal that which is beyond repair. I have almost nothing let in me, but what I have is Yours.

Yours always.

Jem.

It's June Already

It's June already, how can that even be possible? It feels like it's only March, not so far into the year. People often say that time flies when you're having fun. I experienced that this week while I was doing some volunteer work with children. I think we've all had a moment like that, when we feel time has just flown by. Everything just seemed right in the world, and when it ended you wished it could go on forever. Those are great moments. In contrast it seems that unpleasant moments last far too long, minutes stretch into hours. It funny how we still remember the good moments more accurately than the unpleasant ones, or maybe that's just me.

Similarly I've found that time flies when I have a busy schedule; my days turn into weeks as I put my head down. But what about pointless moments. You know, those days you just arse around at home and get nothing done. I agree that those odd off days we get to relax never seem to last long enough, but strung together I've always found pointless days to drag on forever. There are times to rest, and then there are times that have no purpose. I have always found such pointless times to drag on eternally. Yet, things have changed. I recently had my college break, two weeks off. I spent the majority of the time in my room, reading, gaming, playing piano, and otherwise being alone. Most of it was pointless, which was kind of my point. Yet it blurred past faster than I could see. I feel more rested, but I feel as if I didn't have a break. Then I look up to realise that it's June, and I've really spent most of my time alone over the past few months.

So weird. It feels like only last week that it was February. So much has happened in my life since then, though a lot of it has been in solitude. Maybe that's why, I've had to events to mark the passage of time. But that wouldn't make sense. I've had class and work, as well as social and church things. It doesn't feel real that it's June. That can't be possible... yet it is. So unreal. It feels unreal that I am already through a third of my academic year, that it is almost the middle of the year when it feels like the year only started a month or two ago. I just can't wrap my head around it. I want to, it means I am closer to my goals, but it just doesn't feel right. Almost like it's too good to be true, it a slight way. Odd.

One day.

Jem.