Being Lost

There are defining moments in life that change the course of our lives forever. It is in these moments, as our lives come down to a big decision or an incident, that so much hangs in the balance. It is in these moments that our lives can be changed drastically, our futures rewritten.

I can think of two such moments in my life: the first when I moved to Cape Town and the second when I a become a born-again Christian and chose to live my life for God. I can put them into a calm sentence but both were very turbulent times in my life, when it felt as if the floor was falling out underneath me at times. I think that these moments hold such power in our lives, when we are at our lowest and allow God to build us up in a better way. Sometimes you actually just need to start again. You can move cities fairly easily, start going to church pretty simply, but the raw frenzy going on inside you is something else entirely. In order to change who you are you need to lose, or in some cases destroy, who you were. You may disagree with me, that's perfectly okay. I am still a teenager, though just, and there is every possibility that I am wrong. Seldom are times of big change simple and easy though.

It is in one of these moments that I find myself now. I thought I felt it earlier in the year but it didn't quite happen, everything sort of settled for a while. As the whirlwinds race around me now I see that I am here again, at a stormy crossroads in life, a position to have so much change and grow. This morning I was thinking about how much I grew the last time this happened, how I properly joined the church and devoted myself to Christ. I do not know what is in store for me but as I see the storms around me I know that there is great potential here. There may be more pain and sadness than I know how to deal with at times but I am ecstatic with where this could be taking me. It is not easy to navigate rapids but it is a rush, and the afterwards it was worth every second of it.

I would like to take this time to apologise to everyone I have hurt or wronged during this time, you know who you are. This year has been a very difficult and crazy time for me and I have not treated many people as I ought to have. I know it doesn't excuse what I did but I would like you to understand the situation and know that it was not intentional to hurt or wrong you, I am sorry where I have done so. I am not out of this yet either though, so please bare with me as I struggle and grow through this. If I continue to offend you or hurt you please just stay away from me, I do not see what I do all the time and I do in unintentional.


I wrote the first part of the blog a few weeks ago, unsure of how to complete it and if I should post it. The point of these ramblings are mainly to help clear my mind and focus my thoughts. I, therefor, will not delete any of what I have said. I will, however, add some more information to update those of you who have an interest in my life.

Over the course of the last month a lot has transpired. To put it bluntly, as I have no interest in making things look pretty at the moment, I have lost my job, been removed from leading the youth ministry, and have had someone I care very dearly for taken from my life. I make it sound worse than it really is when I say it like that, or maybe I don't, but it is what it is. I have considered long and hard whether I should publish this on a blog or whether it would be best to just say nothing, but it is the truth and I have nothing to hide. These are my ramblings after all, my thoughts and feelings. I would not go as far as to say anyone has wronged me, please don't take that from this, I am just expressing my situation at the moment.

As for my plans for rest of the year, I will be spending the next two months taking a break from life and connecting with God as to what He wants from me going forward. This is most certainly a phoenix moment in my life, for if I do not rise from the ashes I do not think I will rise at all. With almost all of my commitments in life falling away in a matter of days I now have an opportunity that many in life wish for: a chance to remake myself, and my life. A second chance of sorts.

What would you do if you could achieve anything you set your mind to? What would you spend your hours doing if you did not need to fear the unknown? What captures your heart and soul? I think I know what I want from my life, how to get there is quite another story entirely. Life is a journey after all, not just a destination.

Please take these words with a bit more perspective than usual. My thoughts have been running wild and I have not restricted them very much, it would defeat the purpose of my blogging. Although I have lost so much recently and I am such a state of turmoil, I have so much to be grateful for and excited about.

I will fight for this, my future, with every breath I have in me.

Jem.

"The future belongs to those who prepare for it today."

Malcolm X