Wilderness

I find myself broken and wondering of late. I can feel that there are pieces of me missing and flawed, taken and damaged. I stay up at night trying to find some sliver of peace and happiness in the desert I find myself in. I find my mind running in a dozen different directions, passing from thought to thought faster than I can keep up. I am broken and shattered, how do I go on?

The question is an internal one, a battle with myself and God. How do I survive, how do I live, when the world seems to be pressing down on me and everything is falling apart? It has been five years since I came out of a very dark place, accepting Jesus Christ as my saviour and giving my life to Him as a living sacrifice. Yet, with The Spirit within me and God at my back, I find myself in a deeper darkness than I thought imaginable. Did I do something wrong? Did I mess up so greatly? It feels as if I am being punished, as if all I hold dear is being ripped from me. We see Abraham's faith being tested by God when he is called to sacrifice his son that he treasures. Maybe that is what this is, maybe God is challenging my faith and making sure that I put Him first above all else. If so I have either failed severely or He is testing me to my very limits, stretching them as He goes.

I cannot help but dwell on the empty feeling inside of me though. I have lost several, dear pieces of myself and I do not know how to act normal when I am crumbling inside. I cannot do it anymore. I foresaw that I would hit a low, but I underestimated the severity of the brokenness. I feel as if there is nothing to live for anymore, yet I know that is so far from the truth. I have so many beautiful blessing to be thankful for and to live for. My head and heart are constantly battling between what I want and feel and what I know and believe.

It is good to get a change of perspective though, to see the world in such a different light. I have a big, incredible family to be grateful for. I have beautiful sisters that I have been dearly blessed with. I have close friends who will walk through the valleys with me. I have a God that protects and empowers me. But for all that is there I cannot help but see the pieces that are missing in my heart. Torn, so unceremoniously from my life, I do not know how to live without what was taken. How do you live without what completes you and makes you happy? How do I continue on when I no longer have that which made me who I am?

The answer is a simple, yet difficult, one: I shall thrive in the darkness as I draw on God and look at the beauty of the world He has created, trusting in Him to lead the way and fill me with His perfect Spirit. It is a solution I see but do not fully understand how to reach. I have been crying out for release and guidance, wrestling with God, yet I still feel so lost and broken at times. But I trust Him, I trust His guidance.

I think it is time I go off grid and come to grips with what is going on in my life. I need to find Him in this or I will wonder forever. I need to get my head right before I can live the life He has called me to.

To those few who have been there for me during this time: Thank you, you have kept me from completely falling apart, it means a lot to me.

I love you always.

Jem.

P.S. Some of this was inspired by a great man, Jefferson Bethke, and a video he made. If you would like to see it you can find it here, it may do you some good if you are struggling.