What If

What if. Such incredibly powerful words, words that I have been saying to myself a lot of late. When we ask ourselves what if we find ourselves looking away from the present, towards either the past or the future. Over the past months I have allowed myself to ask those dangerous, damaging what if questions. We all have them, you know the ones I am talking about. For me it is what if I am not enough, what if I should have done it differently, what if I never have a family and a home. For each of us the fears and doubt can cripple us in ways nothing else can. What if I don't have a life worth living? What if my hopes and dreams never come true? These questions have been plaguing my mind, disabling my future before it is even given a chance.

A few weeks ago I was out of town for some family business. While I was away, surrounded by family, I found us all asking similar things. What if. Sparked my a conversation I had with my father, and fuelled by a discussion I had with some of my cousins, I started asking completely different what if questions. What if I could do anything I set my mind to? What if money never stopped me from doing something? What if things could be different? The beauty it that they can be different, in fact as a given in life change guarantees things will be different. What if things could be better?

I came back home with this burning question embedded within my heart. What if, instead of fearing what could be, things changed for the better. Over the past few weeks since I've been back it is something I have been considering almost constantly. It has caused me to question so much. What if there was no need for me to do the things I do, would I do them anyway? When you don't need to show respect or clean up after yourself does that mean you shouldn't? And the answer struck me while I was brushing my teeth one morning.

I do the things I do, 

not because they need to be done,

but because they are right.

It changed my outlook on a lot of things I did, and a lot of things I didn't do. If money were not an issue, if I was already successful, I had all I wanted, would I even get out of bed? I think that some of us would't. I think that some of us are so wrapped up in our own world that we fail to see the world out there, the world all around us. The things I desire are not things that are simply achieved and then put on a shelf. I do not want to get my trophy, have my life, and then build walls to the rest of the world. I want to experience and live life. Sure, there are things I'd like to achieve. For me a very important thing I want is a family of my own, one day to have my own wife and kids. Few things compare to that for me. But that is never just it, it's the process of living life (of learning and growing) that it precious. 

Some dreams are so overwhelming

they cannot merely be achieved,

they must be continuously pursued.

While I was brushing my teeth I realised that I do what I do, not because it needs to be done, but because it is who I want to be. I want to be a man of God. I want to be a man of class, a man of manners. I want to be a father and a husband. I want help others. The man I want to be one day is not something I can achieve and then be done, it is something I will have to work at every waking moment. 

There are two very big things that I have been letting hold me back for a while now, and I plan to change that. One New Year I heard a sermon that inspired me in an incredible way. The title was 'What If...'. What if this year was your best year yet? What if this year you did more than you could ever imagine. What if this year you conquered life? That is what I am looking at now, in two practical areas that I have held myself back in for far too long. For too long I have allowed money and pessimism restrict my life. It's far easier to say I don't have the money for that, or I couldn't do that, instead of making a way.

There is always a way,

if not in you then in God.

What if you took control of your own life?

What if you lived life to the full?

What if you wrote your own future?

It can be done.

Jem. 

To The Beyond

The last time I wrote of death I had just miraculously survived a car crash that should have claimed my life. It changed my life, kept me up at night as I reevaluated my paradigms. A year ago my life was spared, some would say for a purpose. A few months after my life was spared a close friend of mine died in a plane crash. It rocked me to my very core. I will never forget standing at his funeral, feeling intense amounts of pain and anger. The would was surreal for me at that point, I could not distinguish reality from my nightmares, my pain. I had been saved, while he had died. I lost a friend, a mentee, a little brother. Life lost its colour for me for a while after that. Life goes on though, and within weeks people were acting like nothing had happened. In the haze of the funeral I remember very clearly a moment I shared with one of my most dear friends. I tend to put on a brave face most of the time, doing what needs to be done, smiling and comforting those who needed it. Yet as she approached me, with tears pouring down her face and her heart in pieces, I wept with her. We simply embraced one another and wept, a connection taking place far deeper than words as we felt the loss of my brother.

Life was never the same after that. I suffered and wrestled with life for some time, eventually managing to live life without him. His death, coupled with my near-death experience, changed a lot in my life. It lead me to challenge a lot of preconceptions and outlooks as I tried to accept and understand all that had happened. Twelve months later and I still think of him, because he was a part of me and his absence changes things. It gives me determination and purpose as I chose to live my life fully, and do the best with the opportunity I have been given (and he was not). I am studying diligently, serving devoutly, and living fully. 

Life has thrown many challenges and hurdles at me over the past year. Those closest to me have watched me change immensely as I have been put through fire. In the last few months I have experienced more than I thought possible. I have suffered difficulties and enjoyed blessings. In all honesty though, pain and suffering has become a constant companion of mine. I have had my whole life changed, and continue to shift. Even at the absolute best of times I have not been far from suffering. It has caused me to grow and adapt in way I never imagined. It is something I have come to see as less of a curse, and more of an odd blessing. It pushes you to improve and grow stronger. 

“Suffering isn’t an obstacle to being used by God. It is an opportunity to be used like never before.” 

Levi Lusko

But I digress. The reason I am writing this post is because I have just lost someone very close to my heart. Many of us, sadly, not not have a large, loving family. I am blessed with a truly incredible family. As a family man there are few things to rival the importance of family for me (in which I do include some of my closest friends). The matriarch of our Mundell family passed away today. My gran has been instrumental in the growth and development of my family, both collectively and individually. Two weeks ago I was called to say that I needed to come and say goodbye to her. Today I said my last goodbye. There will be no more late night chats about life, no more lunch adventures, no more borderline-perfect dinners by the fire. She is gone, and there is a whole in all our lives. Over this past week I have been brought to my knees as we have struggled with the departure of this great woman, one of the kindest people I've ever met. As we all gathered together to say goodbye I saw the horrific struggle of my family, losing one who is as sweet as the sunrise.

It is true, she had lived her life. For that I am beyond grateful. As she confronted death she did it knowing that she did all she could, eventually finding peace in meeting her maker. Her death is almost opposite to my friend's death, yet it hits me with the force of an avalanche. Even in her parting I saw the gap being torn in the lives of my beloved family, tearing a gap in the make-up of my heart. As I sat on the hospital floor, hearing her struggling to breath, I felt like the world was fading past. I didn't even feel anymore pain or suffering than I have been living with of late. The psyche can only take so much. The floor could not fall out from underneath me because it already has, and I am merely trying to float on at this point. It gets to a point where more suffering simply means less sleep. 

I have so many great memories and experiences of her. She truly lived a wonderful life. She was a beauty with none to compare. Was. I would ask how I could possibly continue living life with this loss, but already know the answer from experience. You focus on the now and live for tomorrow, drawing wisdom and strength from the past. It seems easy enough when put into words, but put into action it will be a difficult endeavour. Yet there is always someway to grow, someway to learn and improve. 

They never truly leave us; they live within us.

In the midst of this pain there has been a wonderful opportunity. I cannot go into much detail at the moment, and it may pass as nothing, but it is very possible that my family has been incredibly blessed. Things will unfold more in the months to come, if they unfold at all, but I feel it in the air that there is change within the family. By this time next year everything could be different for us. In the wise words of my great uncle: "There is always hope." 

“Hope is to our survival, what oxygen is to the lungs.” 

Levi Lusko

I have hope.

Jem.