To The Beyond

The last time I wrote of death I had just miraculously survived a car crash that should have claimed my life. It changed my life, kept me up at night as I reevaluated my paradigms. A year ago my life was spared, some would say for a purpose. A few months after my life was spared a close friend of mine died in a plane crash. It rocked me to my very core. I will never forget standing at his funeral, feeling intense amounts of pain and anger. The would was surreal for me at that point, I could not distinguish reality from my nightmares, my pain. I had been saved, while he had died. I lost a friend, a mentee, a little brother. Life lost its colour for me for a while after that. Life goes on though, and within weeks people were acting like nothing had happened. In the haze of the funeral I remember very clearly a moment I shared with one of my most dear friends. I tend to put on a brave face most of the time, doing what needs to be done, smiling and comforting those who needed it. Yet as she approached me, with tears pouring down her face and her heart in pieces, I wept with her. We simply embraced one another and wept, a connection taking place far deeper than words as we felt the loss of my brother.

Life was never the same after that. I suffered and wrestled with life for some time, eventually managing to live life without him. His death, coupled with my near-death experience, changed a lot in my life. It lead me to challenge a lot of preconceptions and outlooks as I tried to accept and understand all that had happened. Twelve months later and I still think of him, because he was a part of me and his absence changes things. It gives me determination and purpose as I chose to live my life fully, and do the best with the opportunity I have been given (and he was not). I am studying diligently, serving devoutly, and living fully. 

Life has thrown many challenges and hurdles at me over the past year. Those closest to me have watched me change immensely as I have been put through fire. In the last few months I have experienced more than I thought possible. I have suffered difficulties and enjoyed blessings. In all honesty though, pain and suffering has become a constant companion of mine. I have had my whole life changed, and continue to shift. Even at the absolute best of times I have not been far from suffering. It has caused me to grow and adapt in way I never imagined. It is something I have come to see as less of a curse, and more of an odd blessing. It pushes you to improve and grow stronger. 

“Suffering isn’t an obstacle to being used by God. It is an opportunity to be used like never before.” 

Levi Lusko

But I digress. The reason I am writing this post is because I have just lost someone very close to my heart. Many of us, sadly, not not have a large, loving family. I am blessed with a truly incredible family. As a family man there are few things to rival the importance of family for me (in which I do include some of my closest friends). The matriarch of our Mundell family passed away today. My gran has been instrumental in the growth and development of my family, both collectively and individually. Two weeks ago I was called to say that I needed to come and say goodbye to her. Today I said my last goodbye. There will be no more late night chats about life, no more lunch adventures, no more borderline-perfect dinners by the fire. She is gone, and there is a whole in all our lives. Over this past week I have been brought to my knees as we have struggled with the departure of this great woman, one of the kindest people I've ever met. As we all gathered together to say goodbye I saw the horrific struggle of my family, losing one who is as sweet as the sunrise.

It is true, she had lived her life. For that I am beyond grateful. As she confronted death she did it knowing that she did all she could, eventually finding peace in meeting her maker. Her death is almost opposite to my friend's death, yet it hits me with the force of an avalanche. Even in her parting I saw the gap being torn in the lives of my beloved family, tearing a gap in the make-up of my heart. As I sat on the hospital floor, hearing her struggling to breath, I felt like the world was fading past. I didn't even feel anymore pain or suffering than I have been living with of late. The psyche can only take so much. The floor could not fall out from underneath me because it already has, and I am merely trying to float on at this point. It gets to a point where more suffering simply means less sleep. 

I have so many great memories and experiences of her. She truly lived a wonderful life. She was a beauty with none to compare. Was. I would ask how I could possibly continue living life with this loss, but already know the answer from experience. You focus on the now and live for tomorrow, drawing wisdom and strength from the past. It seems easy enough when put into words, but put into action it will be a difficult endeavour. Yet there is always someway to grow, someway to learn and improve. 

They never truly leave us; they live within us.

In the midst of this pain there has been a wonderful opportunity. I cannot go into much detail at the moment, and it may pass as nothing, but it is very possible that my family has been incredibly blessed. Things will unfold more in the months to come, if they unfold at all, but I feel it in the air that there is change within the family. By this time next year everything could be different for us. In the wise words of my great uncle: "There is always hope." 

“Hope is to our survival, what oxygen is to the lungs.” 

Levi Lusko

I have hope.

Jem.