I would like to start by sharing a miracle that happened in my heart a month or two ago. It is not something technically tangible, but it has been more influential in my life over the past few months than anything tangible really could be.
To understand what I have experienced you'll need a bit more background on my situation and view of things. This past year (or two) has been a rollercoaster of note for me, beyond what I would have thought possible. To give you some context (if you are unfamiliar with the some-what recently happenings of my life), at the start of the year I left my church, friends, and closest companion. The reasons are not important for you to understand the context of my miracle, only that my heart was torn apart when I left, leaving most of me with what had become my home and family there. I left for a few reasons, but the main one being that God called me to follow Him elsewhere. It was not something I wanted to do but it was something I needed to do (doing otherwise would have been in opposition to God's plan for my life). So I left, I left my home and my family, heartbroken but following God's plan.
The pain and suffering became a constant companion to me as I left behind most of what I held dear. This pain and suffering became something of an ever-present companion to me, that I would turn to as a way of anchoring myself to the broken reality I was found in. I questioned the sanity of having that hurt as an anchor to my reality, but it was all I had. I would wake up in the morning and search for it. I would be out at some unavoidable event and find comfort and identity in its presence. Imagine, if you will, your mind as a landscape of thought as feelings (something I have done for years now due to the incredible Inheritance Cycle, a definite must read). For years I have visualised my mind as a vast dark blue emptiness, not unlike a field in the moonlight, populated by my thoughts and feelings. I knew exactly where this wound was in my mind and I would hold to it as the last piece of what I lost, my last piece of painful sanity.
"The spirit of man can endure only so much, and when it is broken only a miracle can mend it."
John Burroughs
Then one evening everything changed. Attending a men's conference I wrestled with God, as I had been for months, on the season He called me into. I felt empty, lonely, and angry all at the same time, all because of my world that I had lost. I cried out to Him, furious that He would dare to do such a thing and leave me hanging out to dry. I begged for release, for something to change, anything. As I had for weeks on end I sought the familiar comfort of the pain, only to find it gone. I fell to my knees, breathless as my entire world shifted. I felt completely lost within my own mind. As I tried to understand what was happening, tried to make sense of my own mind, I found no vast emptiness populated by my thoughts and feelings, instead I found myself in a dimly lit cavern. As I stepped into the cavern I saw a spectacular lake surrounded by the elegant rock formations (if you have read The Mortal Instruments (City of Heavenly Fire) you'll know the wonder of which I speak). I was dumbstruck, in complete awe. Before I could even question what was going on I found myself in the middle of the small lake, slowing submerging in the water. It felt as right as breathing, and as I slowly became surrounded by the warm water I realised what God was doing, what had happened. He healed my pain and suffering, leaving no trace of its existence, more than that though He completely changed my mind. The lake is God's love, endless and warm, while the cavern itself is the renewed landscape of my mind. Almost every aspect of my life has changed accordingly, as He has changed the very foundation of my mind. I will not even attempt to convey the beauty and splendour it brings into my life, I doubt words could do it justice.
"Love is the great miracle cure. Loving ourselves works miracles in our lives."
Louise Hay
God worked a miracle in me, healing me and wrapping me in His love. For some of you it may seem silly or unreal, but for me it was a personal miracle than fundamentally changed my life. It meant that I no longer anchored myself to a morphed reality through pain and suffering, but instead I found peace and identity in God's incredible, glorious love. It was (and still is) a wonderful blessing, bringing much needed peace and joy to my life.
Only weeks beforehand had I began to challenge miracles and their reality in this world. From there I began to look at things in a new way, removing many of the boundaries I had placed on my reality (instead letting God take care of any boundaries that get in the way). It was only a short while after this that I once again became overwhelmed by the circumstances of life. As I fell to my knees before God, with my head bowed and tears streaming down my face, I looked at the powerful latin phrase inscribed on my wrist: Orando et Laborando. Not only was I reminded that nothing can overcome God within me, but I also realised that the boundaries that confined me were mere by-products of my false paradigm. I realised that a miracle was possible, and it could change everything.
That is why, starting on the 1st of August, I will be spending the month fasting and praying into this. I am disturbed by the current state of things and there is something I can do about it. If you know me at all you will know that my future is one of the most important things to me, and it's time I started investing fully in it. The reasons I have chosen to do so over the next month is because there are some very special dates I wish to honour and I wish to push everything I have into improving things (for both myself and others). Over the next month I will be deleting all my social media accounts, reducing the use of my phone to the bare minimum, and spending the majority of my time fasting and praying into the miracles set within my heart.
The miracles are slightly complex and personal, but because of the power of words and public declaration I shall share them here. Firstly is the most devastating situation to my heart: the pain and suffering of my closest companion. She has been through more than I can fathom (struggles and situations that have brought me to my knees may times just from hearing them), and the strength and beauty within her often leaves me breathless. She is on a journey of discovering Christ and creating that personal relationship with Him, making Him the centre of her life. Although I am sadly not able to walk this journey with her (a journey that I also had to struggle and fight through) I am immensely proud and joyful of the incredible wisdom, devotion, and resilience she shows. I pray that God breaks through to her, heals her brokenness and suffering, and blesses her with new life and spirit.
The second miracle is one both within my heart and within my circumstance. As I mentioned above I left my heart behind at the beginning of the year. It has been an incredible struggle, but also incredibly growing as God pushes and challenges me. It has been months, but yet my heart is still not with me. Although parts of me will always remain there, there is so little of my heart in where I am now, and it causes me great distress. I have tried to invest myself elsewhere, but with my heart still left behind I have been unable to grow and develop fully in what God is calling me to. The miracle I pray for is that God creates a new home and family for me in this next season He has called me into, and that He would help my heart to be after the things He is calling me to.
This means the world to me, and I will fight to the ends of the universe for it.
"Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye."
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Nothing will stop me.
Jem.
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