The Labyrinth

It is the middle of the night and I cannot sleep. I prefer the night, and am often up late into the evening, but it is past a decent hour and I cannot sleep. I cannot sleep because my heart is heavy with the weight of the the world. As a friend has aptly said: "life is just a series of devastating events at the moment." It is late at night, and I cannot sleep, so I write. These words are not just to be written, but to be read by those hold the wisdom to understand them.

Looking for Alaska is a wonderfully powerful novel, full of literature beyond its measure. That is to say that it is greater than the sum of its parts. If you haven't read the book you may struggle to keep up with this post, as I will be revolving around the book here, but I will do my best to explain things all the same.

The main character goes to boarding school, seeking more for his mediocre and mundane life. "I go to seek a Great Perhaps" he explains, using the famous last words of François Rabelais. As the book gets going (though it certainly does take its time) we are introduced to the wild Alaska Young. Though erratic and eccentric, she posses an extreme beauty and has a vivid love of literature. She quickly introduces us to the following quote:

"He was shaken by the overwhelming revelation that the headlong race

between his misfortunes and his dreams was at that moment reaching the finish line.

The rest was darkness. 'Damn it,' he sighed. 'How will I ever get out of this labyrinth!'"

She turns it into a question, asking not how to escape the labyrinth, but what the labyrinth itself is. You see, she is the rare type of person that causes you to think and grow, to be greater than you are. What a Gem. Alaska later explains that it is the labyrinth of suffering in life, that we doomed to wonder endlessly. At the end of the book we see that she takes the approach of escaping the labyrinth "straight & fast", and we are left with the mystery of whether she did escape the labyrinth or not, and whether it was by choice or not.

She is so influential and pivotal that their religious education teacher uses her question for their final paper: how will we ever get out of the labyrinth of suffering? It is an interesting piece of literature, and a very interesting point. Though wild and untamed, she posses a mind to rival the greats.

"I am interested in how you are able to fit

the incontestable fact of suffering into your understanding of the world,

and how you hope to navigate through life in spite of it."

We see so many great pieces of literature, both by John Green and by others, in this book that it is difficult to even consider them all. That piece though, is a very interesting one to me, especially once I had finished the novel. In the last few pages we see one of the characters take a very interesting turn on the question. 

"I choose the labyrinth. The labyrinth blows, but I choose it."

He chooses the labyrinth, he knows the pain and difficulty it holds and yet he chooses it. This, I believe, holds great wisdom and strength (though it is not show as powerfully as I think it should be). It is not unlike life at all. Life certainly can be compared to a labyrinth, and a labyrinth of suffering would only be a slight push. There is no doubt that life is tough, that there is suffering, and that you often do not really know what is going on. Yet there is also so much more to life; there is beauty in the world. The labyrinth of life may hold great suffering, but it teaches us many things and contains much worth living for. 

"Suffering was caused by desire."

"We had to forgive to survive in the labyrinth."

"Hating takes an awful lot of energy and I'd given up on it a long time ago."

Sure, there is suffering, but a lot of it lies in our hands. A powerful paradigm. Regardless of how true it may be, I do know that I choose the labyrinth. I choose to be lost in the suffering at times, because I believe that it is worth it. I believe that we hold the power over our own lives (to a larger degree), and I am willing to endure the difficulties for the beauty and wonder that is life. It may be messy and tough, but life has got a blissful splendour. A Gem that cannot be ignored. 

"'You shall love you crooked neighbour with your crooked heart.'

It says so much about love and brokenness - it's perfect."

We also learn a bit about 'love and brokenness'. I agree, it is a glorious quote, perfectly capturing the brokenness of our love. We are all damaged and messed up in a way, but the point is not to be perfect, the point is to love in your brokenness. 

"Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia."

"You just use the future to escape the present."

As I have been on a journey to live in the present and appreciate the moment, these two quotes have shown me a great wisdom. Both statements are very true, for me at least, and I find that they open my eyes more to the truth. The future is not true; the past is not true; all that is true is the present. To live outside of the present is to not really live at all. It is a very difficult concept for me to embrace, as I often mind my head dwelling on the past or looking to the future, but I believe it is key to living a happy life. There is no joy like the present, and being present and appreciative (I find) brings a joy all of its own.

In closing I would like to leave you with a few more quotes that I really enjoy. 

  

"The Great Perhaps was upon us and we were invincible."

"Awful things are survivable, because we are as indestructible as we believe."

"We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken."

"I believe now that we are greater than the sum of our parts...

that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end,

and so it cannot fail."

I challenge you to see past naivety. I challenge you to see the power of confidence and positivity, the youth see it and we foolishly mock them for it. You are in control of your own life, if you would but take it. Choose, choose to learn, choose to grow, choose to love, choose to live.

One day the Great Perhaps will be upon you, you need only choose the labyrinth and keep going. 

"She made me different."

Jem. 

The Beauty of the Storm

Storms are truly beautiful creations. Little compares to the splendour and wonder of a storm, whether you are sitting by a warm fire, listening to the blissful melody of the rain, or standing out in the hurling winds, drenched to the bone, as the sky roars its defiance. Nothing can stand up to the power and ferocity of a storm. It is a force of nature. You cannot control a storm. While storms are to be respected, I certainly do not believe they are to be feared, but rather appreciated.

Life is full of many storms. While storms may rage around us, it is the storms that rage within us that matter the most. Just as a storm may destroy that which stands in its way, it brings great power and beauty to those who respect and honour the storm. Learn to stand in the midst of the storm with open arms and you will know greatness far beyond this earth.

"Rejoice, my brothers and sisters, when you face trials of many kinds,

knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.

Let endurance finish its work, so that you may be

mature and complete, lacking in nothing."

James 1:2-4

I'll admit, it's a difficult concept to wrap your head around and embrace. It goes against so much within us to stand and embrace the storm, to rejoice in the difficulties. It may seem illogical, counter-intuitive, and even psychotic, but I assure you that it is quite the opposite. Do you know what pain is, at the fundamental level? Simply a message, telling you that something is wrong and needs to be fixed. Pain does not define you or limit you, if anything it enables you. It shows you were to focus your energy. 

It has been on a journey that I started a few weeks ago that I have learnt this. I cannot claim the brilliance of this discovery though, it has been due to the inspiration of my most treasured companion, and the knowledge and wisdom of God, found in His word. I decided to take a stand and fight for the life I want; she showed me how to have strength and endurance; He showed me how to live life, and life to the fullest.

Over the past month, as I have been fasting, praying, and meditating, I have found an increasing thirst of literature. Perhaps it is because I no longer allow myself to waste time on pointless pursuits; perhaps it is because I find solace in another world; perhaps it is because I have developed a better appreciation for the power of words. Regardless, my room continues to fill with books of various kinds, while my desk is cluttered with quotes and passages from all over. There is such majesty in good literature, and an incredible power that comes from knowing it.

"Books are my friends, my companions. 

They make me laugh and cry and find meaning in life."

Christopher Paolini

"One must always be careful of books and what is inside them,
for words have the power to change us."
Cassandra Clare

"I have hidden Your word in my heart,

that I might not sin against You."

Psalm 119:11

One of my favourite pieces of literature comes from a poem written by one of the original 1820 settlers. Thomas Pringle wrote Cape of Storms, showing the beauty that can be found in the storm. The extract that I enjoy most reads as follows:

Yet, spite of physical and moral ill, 

And after all I've seen and suffered here, 

There are strong links that bind me to thee still, 

And render even thy rocks and deserts dear;

There is so much to be learnt from literature, so much to be enjoyed and thought on. There are endless journeys to be taken through the pages of countless books, all so wonderful and exhilarating. With it all comes the infinite wisdom and guidance of scripture, through which I have learnt more than I could possibly hope to understand on my own. If you ever seek guidance and help, you need only turn to God and His word. He will guide and bless you.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation,

by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 

The peace of God, which transcends all understanding,

will guard you hearts and your minds in Jesus Christ."

Philippians 4:6-7

"The Lord God is a sun and a shield;

the Lord bestows favour and honour.

No good thing does He withhold

from those who walk uprightly."

Psalm 84:11

"Blessed is the one who remains steadfast under trial,

for when they have stood the test they will receive the crown of life,

which God has provided to those who love Him."

James 1:12

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord,

plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you a hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

We see that God shows us how to live life; He teaches us not only to endure, but to grow and flourish. He provides for us. Not only is He there when we are suffering and need His help, but He is also there when we are well and would like His blessing. He is the all-powerful and loving Father.

Oh, how I have been blessed by Him. One day I will share the greatest blessing in my life with you all. As I grow and develop He blesses me in so many ways; as I push into Him through the trials and difficulties I find that I am so much more myself, strong and free. He has opened my eyes and worked in my heart in more ways than I can fathom, and I am but a child. I shudder to think how He will mould and grow me as I continue through life. There is already so much I am thankful for, so much I rejoice in.

While the world will continue to throw all it has at me, and undoubtably I will stumble and fall along the way, I give you my word that I will press on. I will never give up, I will stand and fight, you taught me that. With God anything is possible.

"Be joyful in hope.

Be patient in tribulation.

Be constant in prayer."

Romans 12:12

Jem.

The Movement of Miracles

How often do you think of miracles? It is something I think may of us turn to when there is no other option, but how many of us consider it as a possibility outside of when we think there is no other way? Recently, as a church, we delved into miracles, those performed and how they generally intertwine with reality. It is not something I had given much thought to, not something I considered a real option in life.


I would like to start by sharing a miracle that happened in my heart a month or two ago. It is not something technically tangible, but it has been more influential in my life over the past few months than anything tangible really could be.

To understand what I have experienced you'll need a bit more background on my situation and view of things. This past year (or two) has been a rollercoaster of note for me, beyond what I would have thought possible. To give you some context (if you are unfamiliar with the some-what recently happenings of my life), at the start of the year I left my church, friends, and closest companion. The reasons are not important for you to understand the context of my miracle, only that my heart was torn apart when I left, leaving most of me with what had become my home and family there. I left for a few reasons, but the main one being that God called me to follow Him elsewhere. It was not something I wanted to do but it was something I needed to do (doing otherwise would have been in opposition to God's plan for my life). So I left, I left my home and my family, heartbroken but following God's plan.

The pain and suffering became a constant companion to me as I left behind most of what I held dear. This pain and suffering became something of an ever-present companion to me, that I would turn to as a way of anchoring myself to the broken reality I was found in. I questioned the sanity of having that hurt as an anchor to my reality, but it was all I had. I would wake up in the morning and search for it. I would be out at some unavoidable event and find comfort and identity in its presence. Imagine, if you will, your mind as a landscape of thought as feelings (something I have done for years now due to the incredible Inheritance Cycle, a definite must read). For years I have visualised my mind as a vast dark blue emptiness, not unlike a field in the moonlight, populated by my thoughts and feelings. I knew exactly where this wound was in my mind and I would hold to it as the last piece of what I lost, my last piece of painful sanity.

"The spirit of man can endure only so much, and when it is broken only a miracle can mend it."

John Burroughs

Then one evening everything changed. Attending a men's conference I wrestled with God, as I had been for months, on the season He called me into. I felt empty, lonely, and angry all at the same time, all because of my world that I had lost. I cried out to Him, furious that He would dare to do such a thing and leave me hanging out to dry. I begged for release, for something to change, anything. As I had for weeks on end I sought the familiar comfort of the pain, only to find it gone. I fell to my knees, breathless as my entire world shifted. I felt completely lost within my own mind. As I tried to understand what was happening, tried to make sense of my own mind, I found no vast emptiness populated by my thoughts and feelings, instead I found myself in a dimly lit cavern. As I stepped into the cavern I saw a spectacular lake surrounded by the elegant rock formations (if you have read The Mortal Instruments (City of Heavenly Fire) you'll know the wonder of which I speak). I was dumbstruck, in complete awe. Before I could even question what was going on I found myself in the middle of the small lake, slowing submerging in the water. It felt as right as breathing, and as I slowly became surrounded by the warm water I realised what God was doing, what had happened. He healed my pain and suffering, leaving no trace of its existence, more than that though He completely changed my mind. The lake is God's love, endless and warm, while the cavern itself is the renewed landscape of my mind. Almost every aspect of my life has changed accordingly, as He has changed the very foundation of my mind. I will not even attempt to convey the beauty and splendour it brings into my life, I doubt words could do it justice.

"Love is the great miracle cure. Loving ourselves works miracles in our lives."

Louise Hay

God worked a miracle in me, healing me and wrapping me in His love. For some of you it may seem silly or unreal, but for me it was a personal miracle than fundamentally changed my life. It meant that I no longer anchored myself to a morphed reality through pain and suffering, but instead I found peace and identity in God's incredible, glorious love. It was (and still is) a wonderful blessing, bringing much needed peace and joy to my life.


Only weeks beforehand had I began to challenge miracles and their reality in this world. From there I began to look at things in a new way, removing many of the boundaries I had placed on my reality (instead letting God take care of any boundaries that get in the way). It was only a short while after this that I once again became overwhelmed by the circumstances of life. As I fell to my knees before God, with my head bowed and tears streaming down my face, I looked at the powerful latin phrase inscribed on my wrist: Orando et Laborando. Not only was I reminded that nothing can overcome God within me, but I also realised that the boundaries that confined me were mere by-products of my false paradigm. I realised that a miracle was possible, and it could change everything.

That is why, starting on the 1st of August, I will be spending the month fasting and praying into this. I am disturbed by the current state of things and there is something I can do about it. If you know me at all you will know that my future is one of the most important things to me, and it's time I started investing fully in it. The reasons I have chosen to do so over the next month is because there are some very special dates I wish to honour and I wish to push everything I have into improving things (for both myself and others). Over the next month I will be deleting all my social media accounts, reducing the use of my phone to the bare minimum, and spending the majority of my time fasting and praying into the miracles set within my heart.

The miracles are slightly complex and personal, but because of the power of words and public declaration I shall share them here. Firstly is the most devastating situation to my heart: the pain and suffering of my closest companion. She has been through more than I can fathom (struggles and situations that have brought me to my knees may times just from hearing them), and the strength and beauty within her often leaves me breathless. She is on a journey of discovering Christ and creating that personal relationship with Him, making Him the centre of her life. Although I am sadly not able to walk this journey with her (a journey that I also had to struggle and fight through) I am immensely proud and joyful of the incredible wisdom, devotion, and resilience she shows. I pray that God breaks through to her, heals her brokenness and suffering, and blesses her with new life and spirit.

The second miracle is one both within my heart and within my circumstance. As I mentioned above I left my heart behind at the beginning of the year. It has been an incredible struggle, but also incredibly growing as God pushes and challenges me. It has been months, but yet my heart is still not with me. Although parts of me will always remain there, there is so little of my heart in where I am now, and it causes me great distress. I have tried to invest myself elsewhere, but with my heart still left behind I have been unable to grow and develop fully in what God is calling me to. The miracle I pray for is that God creates a new home and family for me in this next season He has called me into, and that He would help my heart to be after the things He is calling me to.

This means the world to me, and I will fight to the ends of the universe for it.

"Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye."

H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Nothing will stop me.

Jem.

Amor Vincit Omnia

The response to my last post was incredible, far beyond what I was expecting. I wrote it with the purpose of going into more detail on one of my tattoos that I am often asked about. It holds special meaning to me, and seeing as I am asked about it often (without the time to fully explain it) I thought it would be a good idea to unpack it. I did not expect it to quickly become my most viewed post on this blog, only being overshadowed by the incident that nearly claimed my life last year.

After the overwhelming response to my last post I thought it would be a good idea to unpack and explain another of my beloved tattoos. While I was deciding which tattoo to write about I stumbled across a pleasant piece of literature. I read and reread it a few times, each time feeling more and more drawn to it, as it spoke to the romantic within me. The title of the piece stood out to me the most, which confused me as I did not understand it. 'Amor Vincit Omnia'. In latin, it means 'love conquers all'. As it clicked in my mind I was dumbstruck, transfixed by three beautiful words, a phrase that means more to me than life. You may think it extreme for me to say that, that a phrase means more to me than life, but let me explain and hopefully you'll begin to understand.

This is a fallen world we live in, filled with pain and suffering. There is no escaping the imperfection of this world. When you look at your own life do you not see the scars from where the world has left you beaten and broken? We face the difficulty of life every day, and some days it completely overwhelms us. You don't need to put on a facade here, it's okay to admit to yourself that things aren't always okay. It is in these moments of brokenness that life itself can seem impossible, but these moments can change us forever. It was because of these moments that as a child I sought some way to combat them and handle life on better footing. What I discovered changed not only my life, but my heart and soul.

"Now these three things remain: faith, hope, and love. The greatest of these is love."

1 Corinthians 13:13

"God so loved the world that He gave up His son, so that all who trust in Him shall not be lost, but shall live life to its fullest."
John 3:16

"Love overcomes all."

Proverbs 10:12

I was overwhelmed by the teachings on this, how often it comes up and how strongly it is emphasised. When taking our society into consideration I thought it odd, if not contradictory. I have never been much of a conformer, seldom caring if I am different to others, and so I took it on as a challenge and a test. Could love truly overcome it all?

I'll be honest, it was much more difficult than I expected (and I didn't expect it to be easy at all). To let love rule your life, lead and guide you, requires more than any of us have within ourselves. I persisted, turning to God as I struggled with my failure and inadequacy. It took years before I started to see the results, before I started to see the fruits of my actions, of love. It was gradual at first, unnoticed, but as God's love grew within me it overcame everything in its way. As I fought the battles of my life with love I saw the effect it had. It was divine, undeniable. I started using love to fight battles of the heart and mind as well, and was astonished at the results. Things I had viewed as impossible to overcome, simple unpleasantries of life, crumbled before God's love within me.

"Love isn't something you find. Love is something that finds you."

Loretta Young

Then something incredible happened, something that dwarfed what I had previously experienced and understood of love. I experienced a true, complete love. Love that transcends understanding and breaks down boundaries. It would be like trying to explain the beauty of a sunset to a blind man, impossible to fully capture and yet so wonderful. Complete love outshines everything. I experienced what it is like to not only received incredible love, but to have it dwell within me and flow through me. I imagine it akin to trying to explain actual romantic love to an infatuated teen, simply beyond us.

And so into my broken and hurt life came this love. I did nothing to deserve it, but God blessed me immeasurably all the same. Just thinking about it makes my heart swell. As this holy, complete love began to spread through my heart and mind it simply washed away everything else. It came in and washed over all my pain and struggles as if they were nothing, as if they never even existed. Can you even begin to imagine that, a life without pain or suffering, simply love?

That is why love means more to me than life itself, for without love life is empty. There is a miracle that happened in my life a couple of months ago that I'd like to share with you, but I'd like to explain the full, incredible beauty of it, so I will do so in another post.

This incredible phrase, that 'love conquers all', embodies the very faith and hope of life itself. Found in a stunning latin phrase, 'amor vincit omnia', it is engraved on my heart and soul. It stands eternal and all-powerful. You do not even begin to understand life without this love. I am so grateful that it found and chose me, as imperfect and inadequate as I am.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Nothing can overcome this.

Jem.

Orando et Laborando

Have you ever felt completely helpless and powerless? I have, and it really gets to me. Growing up one of the biggest things I struggled with internally was being still. I struggled immensely with impulsivity and restlessness; I was always on the go, often not thinking through what I was doing. When an unpleasant situation came around I wouldn't think twice to leap at doing something, anything, to fix it. Then came the situations that I could not fix. You cannot talk cancer away or tell death to return a loved one. I struggled so much in these situations, and because of my nature I found myself doing things, things that were detrimental in the end, simply because I wanted to do something to help. 

As I continued to grow it got worse. Not only was I detrimental in tough situations I couldn't help, but I also became much more impulsive. It cost me beyond what I think I was even able to comprehend back then. If everything I do is simply a reflex am I even my own person? I didn't feel like it. I felt imprisoned within my own body and mind. 

Then things changed. I changed, and something inside of me shifted. I was beyond done with letting anything define my life and so I took a stand and devoted most of my focus to mastering my mind and controlling my body. My journey with God helped me to see that while I myself was powerless in many situations on my own, with Him nothing is impossible. 

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Philippians 4:13

And so it happened that while in boarding school I can across the latin phrase 'orando et laborando'. It was actually my school motto, although few of us know what it truly meant. One day a parent asked me what it was a what it meant. I had no answer for them as I knew nothing of it either. It sparked my interest though and I began to learn more about the phrase and its origin. Roughly translated into English it can be read as 'working and praying' or 'through work and prayer'. It spoke to me so strongly, my thoughts directly in a beautiful piece of latin.

While the direct translation is 'through work and prayer' it has such a deeper meaning if you'll only open your eyes to it. It spoke right into my heart, right into my struggle. It means that there are two ways to do things, though often incorporated because of the chaos that is life. You can either work at something directly or you can pray on it and ask God to work on your behalf. There are situations where you do not need God's direct intervention because He has already blessed you to be able to do such things. There are situations where you need God's help to do something, His guidance and strength to navigate through it. Then there are situations where you are simply powerless, on your own you can do nothing but be overwhelmed. These are the situations when all you can do is pray, and pray like there is no tomorrow. For me there are only three types of situations, these three, and this beautiful latin phrase helped me to put into words what I already knew and believed.

This is one of my very first tattoos, one of my favourites. I have it on my wrist to both remind me and symbolise that there are some things that I can do and there are some thing things that only God can do (and I can do with Him, through prayer).

Jem.

A Moment of Brokenness

Have you ever had a moment of defeat, when you feel as if the light has gone from the world and you have mountains pressing down on you? I had one today, and it started in the most unlikely of ways.

Driving in the rain with my favourite music playing I was in a blissful moment, until I realised that I cannot share it with the person I want to. A rare moment of untainted peace and happiness was turned to agony, so quickly, so heartlessly. You'd think that wouldn't even be possible, that such goodness would reach a point it would crash. It made me think of all I've lost, friends and family who have died, life that is no more. It's been ten months since a little brother of mine died, gone before he got to truly live. You'd think that nearly a year later, which more going on than I can handle a lot of the time, it wouldn't matter anymore. It does. It merely compounds and intensifies as life goes on.

I have been through so much over the past year that I would barely say I am even the same person anymore. Things have been difficult beyond bearing for me, yet by the grace of God I endure. I only wish that after all these months my heart would have learnt to trust Him and turn to Him more. You'd think that after months of getting by on nothing but His goodness my heart would learn to trust Him and turn to Him. Alas, the flesh prevails.

Driving later into the evening a thought crossed my mind. It is because God is moving profoundly in my life that the enemy comes against me. I think it is a likely option, but either way the struggles of the flesh can be dehabilitating.  It claws at the very walls of your heart, threatening to hollow you out. When subtly and slyness fail it goes straight for the jugular.

I miss her. I miss him. I miss them all. My love. My family. There are days when it does feel as if I am walking around empty, with all that I love and cherish taken away, my heart ripped out. Even as I am encouraged and given what I need I am attacked relentlessly on all sides. Am I the only one who finds it almost odd? Maybe it is simply providence. Phrase it however you like, I cannot deny it. I miss them as if a part of myself left with them. Worst of all is the love I left behind. Relationships that have been build over the better part of a decade. Friendship and fellowship that gave structure and support. All now gone.


Most difficult for me is to find beauty and joy in a world that I no longer associate with and love. There is no longer that equilibrium. My life is out of balance, or maybe I am only beginning to open my eyes to what was already there.

I cannot deny that God is moving in my life. I can see Him calling me into new growth and laying groundwork for my life, yet every day seems more of a struggle that the last. Just when I think that I am getting a grip on things it all slips through my fingers, shattering to pieces. I am sorry Dad. I am not the son I should be, or the son you deserve. I stumble, fall, and fail. Even with all you do for me I suffer and I cry out. I am not good enough. I lost my life, what you called me to, and yet I merely continue to fall.

No facade can take away the brokenness inside me. Only the Holy Spirit can heal that which is beyond repair. I have almost nothing let in me, but what I have is Yours.

Yours always.

Jem.

It's June Already

It's June already, how can that even be possible? It feels like it's only March, not so far into the year. People often say that time flies when you're having fun. I experienced that this week while I was doing some volunteer work with children. I think we've all had a moment like that, when we feel time has just flown by. Everything just seemed right in the world, and when it ended you wished it could go on forever. Those are great moments. In contrast it seems that unpleasant moments last far too long, minutes stretch into hours. It funny how we still remember the good moments more accurately than the unpleasant ones, or maybe that's just me.

Similarly I've found that time flies when I have a busy schedule; my days turn into weeks as I put my head down. But what about pointless moments. You know, those days you just arse around at home and get nothing done. I agree that those odd off days we get to relax never seem to last long enough, but strung together I've always found pointless days to drag on forever. There are times to rest, and then there are times that have no purpose. I have always found such pointless times to drag on eternally. Yet, things have changed. I recently had my college break, two weeks off. I spent the majority of the time in my room, reading, gaming, playing piano, and otherwise being alone. Most of it was pointless, which was kind of my point. Yet it blurred past faster than I could see. I feel more rested, but I feel as if I didn't have a break. Then I look up to realise that it's June, and I've really spent most of my time alone over the past few months.

So weird. It feels like only last week that it was February. So much has happened in my life since then, though a lot of it has been in solitude. Maybe that's why, I've had to events to mark the passage of time. But that wouldn't make sense. I've had class and work, as well as social and church things. It doesn't feel real that it's June. That can't be possible... yet it is. So unreal. It feels unreal that I am already through a third of my academic year, that it is almost the middle of the year when it feels like the year only started a month or two ago. I just can't wrap my head around it. I want to, it means I am closer to my goals, but it just doesn't feel right. Almost like it's too good to be true, it a slight way. Odd.

One day.

Jem.

What If

What if. Such incredibly powerful words, words that I have been saying to myself a lot of late. When we ask ourselves what if we find ourselves looking away from the present, towards either the past or the future. Over the past months I have allowed myself to ask those dangerous, damaging what if questions. We all have them, you know the ones I am talking about. For me it is what if I am not enough, what if I should have done it differently, what if I never have a family and a home. For each of us the fears and doubt can cripple us in ways nothing else can. What if I don't have a life worth living? What if my hopes and dreams never come true? These questions have been plaguing my mind, disabling my future before it is even given a chance.

A few weeks ago I was out of town for some family business. While I was away, surrounded by family, I found us all asking similar things. What if. Sparked my a conversation I had with my father, and fuelled by a discussion I had with some of my cousins, I started asking completely different what if questions. What if I could do anything I set my mind to? What if money never stopped me from doing something? What if things could be different? The beauty it that they can be different, in fact as a given in life change guarantees things will be different. What if things could be better?

I came back home with this burning question embedded within my heart. What if, instead of fearing what could be, things changed for the better. Over the past few weeks since I've been back it is something I have been considering almost constantly. It has caused me to question so much. What if there was no need for me to do the things I do, would I do them anyway? When you don't need to show respect or clean up after yourself does that mean you shouldn't? And the answer struck me while I was brushing my teeth one morning.

I do the things I do, 

not because they need to be done,

but because they are right.

It changed my outlook on a lot of things I did, and a lot of things I didn't do. If money were not an issue, if I was already successful, I had all I wanted, would I even get out of bed? I think that some of us would't. I think that some of us are so wrapped up in our own world that we fail to see the world out there, the world all around us. The things I desire are not things that are simply achieved and then put on a shelf. I do not want to get my trophy, have my life, and then build walls to the rest of the world. I want to experience and live life. Sure, there are things I'd like to achieve. For me a very important thing I want is a family of my own, one day to have my own wife and kids. Few things compare to that for me. But that is never just it, it's the process of living life (of learning and growing) that it precious. 

Some dreams are so overwhelming

they cannot merely be achieved,

they must be continuously pursued.

While I was brushing my teeth I realised that I do what I do, not because it needs to be done, but because it is who I want to be. I want to be a man of God. I want to be a man of class, a man of manners. I want to be a father and a husband. I want help others. The man I want to be one day is not something I can achieve and then be done, it is something I will have to work at every waking moment. 

There are two very big things that I have been letting hold me back for a while now, and I plan to change that. One New Year I heard a sermon that inspired me in an incredible way. The title was 'What If...'. What if this year was your best year yet? What if this year you did more than you could ever imagine. What if this year you conquered life? That is what I am looking at now, in two practical areas that I have held myself back in for far too long. For too long I have allowed money and pessimism restrict my life. It's far easier to say I don't have the money for that, or I couldn't do that, instead of making a way.

There is always a way,

if not in you then in God.

What if you took control of your own life?

What if you lived life to the full?

What if you wrote your own future?

It can be done.

Jem. 

To The Beyond

The last time I wrote of death I had just miraculously survived a car crash that should have claimed my life. It changed my life, kept me up at night as I reevaluated my paradigms. A year ago my life was spared, some would say for a purpose. A few months after my life was spared a close friend of mine died in a plane crash. It rocked me to my very core. I will never forget standing at his funeral, feeling intense amounts of pain and anger. The would was surreal for me at that point, I could not distinguish reality from my nightmares, my pain. I had been saved, while he had died. I lost a friend, a mentee, a little brother. Life lost its colour for me for a while after that. Life goes on though, and within weeks people were acting like nothing had happened. In the haze of the funeral I remember very clearly a moment I shared with one of my most dear friends. I tend to put on a brave face most of the time, doing what needs to be done, smiling and comforting those who needed it. Yet as she approached me, with tears pouring down her face and her heart in pieces, I wept with her. We simply embraced one another and wept, a connection taking place far deeper than words as we felt the loss of my brother.

Life was never the same after that. I suffered and wrestled with life for some time, eventually managing to live life without him. His death, coupled with my near-death experience, changed a lot in my life. It lead me to challenge a lot of preconceptions and outlooks as I tried to accept and understand all that had happened. Twelve months later and I still think of him, because he was a part of me and his absence changes things. It gives me determination and purpose as I chose to live my life fully, and do the best with the opportunity I have been given (and he was not). I am studying diligently, serving devoutly, and living fully. 

Life has thrown many challenges and hurdles at me over the past year. Those closest to me have watched me change immensely as I have been put through fire. In the last few months I have experienced more than I thought possible. I have suffered difficulties and enjoyed blessings. In all honesty though, pain and suffering has become a constant companion of mine. I have had my whole life changed, and continue to shift. Even at the absolute best of times I have not been far from suffering. It has caused me to grow and adapt in way I never imagined. It is something I have come to see as less of a curse, and more of an odd blessing. It pushes you to improve and grow stronger. 

“Suffering isn’t an obstacle to being used by God. It is an opportunity to be used like never before.” 

Levi Lusko

But I digress. The reason I am writing this post is because I have just lost someone very close to my heart. Many of us, sadly, not not have a large, loving family. I am blessed with a truly incredible family. As a family man there are few things to rival the importance of family for me (in which I do include some of my closest friends). The matriarch of our Mundell family passed away today. My gran has been instrumental in the growth and development of my family, both collectively and individually. Two weeks ago I was called to say that I needed to come and say goodbye to her. Today I said my last goodbye. There will be no more late night chats about life, no more lunch adventures, no more borderline-perfect dinners by the fire. She is gone, and there is a whole in all our lives. Over this past week I have been brought to my knees as we have struggled with the departure of this great woman, one of the kindest people I've ever met. As we all gathered together to say goodbye I saw the horrific struggle of my family, losing one who is as sweet as the sunrise.

It is true, she had lived her life. For that I am beyond grateful. As she confronted death she did it knowing that she did all she could, eventually finding peace in meeting her maker. Her death is almost opposite to my friend's death, yet it hits me with the force of an avalanche. Even in her parting I saw the gap being torn in the lives of my beloved family, tearing a gap in the make-up of my heart. As I sat on the hospital floor, hearing her struggling to breath, I felt like the world was fading past. I didn't even feel anymore pain or suffering than I have been living with of late. The psyche can only take so much. The floor could not fall out from underneath me because it already has, and I am merely trying to float on at this point. It gets to a point where more suffering simply means less sleep. 

I have so many great memories and experiences of her. She truly lived a wonderful life. She was a beauty with none to compare. Was. I would ask how I could possibly continue living life with this loss, but already know the answer from experience. You focus on the now and live for tomorrow, drawing wisdom and strength from the past. It seems easy enough when put into words, but put into action it will be a difficult endeavour. Yet there is always someway to grow, someway to learn and improve. 

They never truly leave us; they live within us.

In the midst of this pain there has been a wonderful opportunity. I cannot go into much detail at the moment, and it may pass as nothing, but it is very possible that my family has been incredibly blessed. Things will unfold more in the months to come, if they unfold at all, but I feel it in the air that there is change within the family. By this time next year everything could be different for us. In the wise words of my great uncle: "There is always hope." 

“Hope is to our survival, what oxygen is to the lungs.” 

Levi Lusko

I have hope.

Jem.

Faith

It's paradoxical, isn't it? In order to have faith you must believe, but to believe you must have faith.

From the outside it can seem impossible, but from the inside it can be as easy as breathing. 

You're either in or you're out. It's not that simple though, and thankfully so. I think it is more of an attitude, a heart and mindset, a choice. Sure, it may seem impossible to have faith when you simply don't, but you choose to believe and the faith comes from that. It is much easier on the inside, where it is just maintaining that belief to upkeep the faith.

On a regular basis, usually when sharing my journey or beliefs, I have someone question me on my faith. What if things don't work out for you? What if you don't get married? What if something happens? How do you have faith in that? How could you believe that? I have my faith questioned on a regular basis, and it is not uncommon for someone to try and tell me my beliefs are wrong and that I should settle on believing something else. That simply isn't an option for me. I have made my choices, and I choose them again every day. I won't lie and say that it's always easy. Some days I feel so horribly far from faith, from peace, from joy, but it is on those days that it matters most what I do. There are these days when I feel empty and hopeless, I think we all have them, but there are also days when I feel as if I can do anything. On those days I am unconquerable, not because I am infallible, but because my heart cannot be defeated. If only I could truly explain to you what faith brings. It is something that cannot be done true justice through words alone. It must be experienced to understand the true splendour of it. Out of that faith is birthed both incredible joy and serenity.

My faith can stand strong and firm because it is rooted in God. I am not one to talk about my spiritual beliefs much outside of a church context unless someone brings it up, as I prefer to let my life speak for me instead of forcing my beliefs on another, but in this case I think I need to explain myself better. I can have extreme, unwavering faith in things because I believe in the all-powerful God. I anchor myself in Christ and let everything come out of that. It is because of God that I can be fearless in my faith, believing that no matter what happens I can trust in God and His word. Recently I was asked what I enjoy most about my faith, and the answer is simple: my relationship with God. If you share that with me in some way you know that there is nothing to compare it to. No one gets you, loves you, and provides for you like God does. Out of that flows such incredible things. As you place your faith in Him and put Him in the centre of your life you'll see how He blesses you innumerably and conquers all that could ever trouble you.

"We fight from victory, not for victory."

A phrase that has really stuck with me is this one I heard a while back. That is exactly it for me. I do not fight in pursuit of winning. In faith, with God, I have already won. It changes everything, when you look at something in faith, knowing that the battle has already been won. That is how I have faith, because my faith is in Christ. I can stand strong and believe when everything around me is telling me otherwise because I know that God's word is law and that He is king of all.

Over the past few years I have been on an incredible journey. Over the past few months I have been challenged, stretched, and blessed in ways I didn't think possible. I could not truly describe all I have experienced. It has been breath-taking. When you're on the inside it is almost difficult to not believe and have faith. I have had my socks blown off by God's goodness more than a few times. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I do not know where to even begin... Now that I have experienced His goodness like I have I cannot help but believe and have faith. He has been with me every step of the way, through thick and thin, and I trust Him with my very being. It is out of that that I have faith in the future, in what is to come. I have faith in His word, in His promises, and in His guidance.

When your heart is after Him everything else pales in comparison. Even huge mountains begin to look insignificant. That is not to say that there are not times when you struggle and pain, but with a heart after His own there is comfort and peace through it all. I personally struggle with seeing others struggle and letting things be. I am a fighter by nature, although I think that is changing to some degree as I get closer to Him, but I think that when you do something out of a heart for God it changes things. It makes you better, stronger, and wiser than you could ever be in your own capacity and interests.

I have faith. I believe that, because of Him, life is good. I believe that one day I will have the life I dream and pray for, just as He has already provided for me and blessed me.

I have faith.

Jem.

Back, With Love

Love, it is more powerful than I think we understand. Love is the great command of God, and I think that is for a very good reason. God knows what He's talking about after all. I think that love is more complex and intense than we generally give it credit for. Growing up I thought it just another feeling, albeit a strong one. Love is something so much more than that though, it cannot be so easily defined and restricted. The Greeks have four main words for love.

• Agape is a selfless, unconditional love.
• Philia is a platonic love between close friends.
• Storgy is a love for someone or something you are dependent on.
• Eros is a passionate, romantic love.

I think the Greeks understood that love is more than most people think it is. I have discovered that for myself over the last while. As I drew closer to God and felt His call to love all I began to understand more of love but it is only recently that I think I have even began to grasp at its true entirety. Love is not just a feeling or an action, it is more like a supernatural power. Love has such immense capability. It is not so easily caged as we would think. I do not think love is a mere feeling, action, or choice. Love is so strong that it transcends such boundaries. Full love, a love I think only God can understand and cause, is a thing that goes far beyond feelings and choices, it is a heavenly thing.

Love changes everything, its presence or absence can completely turn something around. I have heard and seen situations where love has saved things and brought things back from the brink of annihilation, and where the absence of love has caused things to decay and rot. A story I read recently actually shows this rather well. Brad Pit wrote about a time when his wife, Angelia Jolie, was falling apart. He said that she was losing drastic amounts of weight, not leaving the house, and otherwise not living life. He thought that he was going to lose his wife and his marriage, in all honestly he probably already had. He made a choice though, a choice that he said changed everything. He decided to love her, in a way that no one else had ever done before. He chose to bring her flowers, complement her, support and uplift her, and otherwise shower her in love and adoration. He said the change was so strong and powerful. Within weeks she was doing better than she ever had. Love changed everything. I have seen similar effects when I look back on things. I have seen people who have every reason to collapse grow and flourish simply because they are loved, and I have seen those who seemingly have everything crumble and fall apart without love.

I have begun to see and understand this truth about love because I have experienced it over the past few months. In a time when most of my world was crumbling around me God's love never changed. I was loved through it all, as though I was special and precious, and it made me stronger in ways I couldn't even begin to understand and explain. His love saved me, and in earnest it has already saved us all. During this time I was also challenged to love, to love without condition or reward, and it is life changing. It changed the very fundamentals of who I am, being loved like that. Trying to love like that is so challenging, and impossible to be perfect in, but so good and growing. Love is the answer. There is a reason God named love as the great command.

In the name of love.

Jem.

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength,

while loving someone deeply gives you courage."

Lao Tzu